songs of mordsith

prince

2012-01-25T08:49:00.004+08:00

The past three weddings in three months in the family of cousins younger than I am brought me into thinking of how my life would be in a few more years. After a long time, I was stricken with loneliness of not having a partner, a feeling I haven't felt for a long time. I was able to shove it off before I felt desperate. I do not feel that sad anymore, though I realize it would be good if I could plan a bit more on this aspect of my life.

Sure, I want to be a lawyer. For the past years, I've been thinking of where I would practice and in what field, etc. I also want to pursue further law studies abroad for a year or two after graduating here, although I know it's almost unattainable since I could not afford it. Still, from time to time, I dwell into that idea. If I can't, well, maybe I should settle with online bachelor degree programs, if they offer law courses.

One thing though, I realize I've been ignoring my personal life. I am so preoccupied with family and work and school that I realize I have no plans for myself, other than be a lawyer. For the first time, I felt a sense of panic (just a little), thinking that there's a probability that I'd spend my lifetime alone. So I thought of planning what to do next. Then again, these things, one cannot plan. And I only see Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother) and Damon Salvatore (Vampire Diaries) as my princes. So probably I could just hope that it will not be too late for me yet. Or that I'd be happy without a prince.

irreplaceable

2012-01-03T22:00:00.008+08:00

Days are running fast, and I could hardly believe only a few days are remaining before my cousin's wedding. It's just that I could hardly see him as a grown man about to start a family. Despite him being 28, I still see him as the favorite grandson, the lola's boy. In our house, I could feel the stress and all sorts of emotions heightened as the "day" nears, especially the loneliness that our grandmother is (poorly) trying to hide with her bad moods.

For some reason, I also feel that loneliness, although to a much lesser degree. I guess it's a normal reaction between family members so accustomed to living together and doing everything together. But of course I know that he's not really going away, although our lives will not be the same as they were. I am hoping it would be happier lives ahead of us, especially when a new baby comes. And I wish my grandmother would sooner than later let go of the child she brought up as her son (as my cousin's mom died when he was just 11) and realize that her apo is no longer a baby and that she will always, always be a part of his life. Of course, she is irreplaceable. =)

the wine label eks and I (only eks really hehe) designed

After the wedding, the couple would go to the States for their honeymoon. I wonder if they are looking for someone fit for tour guide jobs, because if they are, well, the whole family is available. :D

my simplest birthday

2011-12-30T12:10:00.003+08:00

By the way, I celebrated my birthday 2 weeks ago. It's probably the quietest, not so" self-centered" birthday I've ever had. All I wanted for a gift was a book from Gaiman, horse riding helmets, and a samurai (or boomerang!) from Australia.

I just had lunch with my mom, dad, and bestfriend eks. Afterward, I watched Immortals with eks (the movie was disappointing), while my parents hurried home to dress up for a relative's wedding at Fernwoods, QC. I promised to follow at the reception, as I want to have a "me" time on my birthday.

After the movie, I went home and spent a few minutes to dress up, then I was off to Fernwoods. That started the worst 2 hours of all the birthdays I've had. Finding a taxi was horrible! In my long tube dress, and while wearing a makeup (thankfully I brought flat shoes), I stood side-by-side with the commuters at the LRT, ran after taxis, walked street to street, took a jeepney, and scoured for a taxi at the middle of Aurora Boulevard.

I arrived at Fernwoods when dinner already began (thank goodness!). And I could only pretend that the sumptuous foods and fully dressed visitors are for my (and for my dad's) birthday. Then again, I don't need those to have a happy birthday. =)

young love, first love

2011-11-29T20:58:00.004+08:00

Nothing feels better than being in love---especially the first time. =)

I could only wish I'd feel the same way again. haha. Obviously, this isn't going to be my story.

Since I started living in my current apartment, I have become closer and closer with the children in the neighborhood. I am the neighborhood ate. Honestly, it's just been a year, but they seemed to be much more mature than they were when we first met. From kids, they became teenagers all of a sudden.

Martin is now in sixth grade. Two weeks ago, he's been telling me about a girl that he likes. He told me they're exchanging notes in the classroom through crumpled papers thrown at each other. Reminds me of Ana Roces and Jeffrey Santos. haha. And the first love letters I've written.

Last week, he told me that the girl sent her a text, "oo na". He was all smiles and sparkling eyes while he was talking to me. How cute. =)

Then, just this morning, Day-Day, who used to be Martin's crush, approached me and asked me, "Sinong mas maganda sa amin ni Anneth?" Oh, ok. I didn't know there's going to be a love triangle. As far as I know, she didn't like Martin before. And as far as I know, two weeks ago, they're all just children. They should be playing PC games instead of writing love letters! When Martin approached us, Day-Day left. Ooooh. Tension. Then, Martin told me that he suspects that Day-Day is jealous.

Well, I guess the kilig moments are always accompanied by selos moments. I just wish their first love wouldn't be as painful as that of the others. =)

wanderer

2011-11-24T18:24:00.003+08:00

When have we stopped being nomads and started building villages? Surely, I have studied that in elementary, and perhaps at that point, I thought it was progress.

Now, I kinda like the idea of being a nomad...of moving from one place to another. I know there wouldn't be law education there, but I sure will learn a lot. And I don't have to go alone; my family would move with me. We'd only stop for our motorhome repair or to join a fancy festival. At least now, we're "civilized" and have agreed to some natural or common law, so perhaps there wouldn't be that much animosity toward strangers over territory.

What if I belonged to a family of gypsies? We'd be constantly traveling, and exploring, and wandering. We wouldn't have much, but we would never want more. We wouldn't have many friends, but we'd be so, so much closer with each other.

And if I want to be a wanderer, I'd have to do it sooner. I think, as one ages, one clamors for stability and certainty. And that, friends, is coming after me.

everything for love

2011-11-13T09:17:00.003+08:00

It was my cousin's wedding yesterday. It was such a beautiful, beautiful wedding, held at Le Jardin Rosella, Tagaytay. Everything was just so organized, and they got only the best videographers, caterers, and florists. And oh, the place, and the atmosphere, was perfect for a such a romantic event.

And we almost missed the event. Months before, my mom was already informed of the wedding. Although she wont admit it, she was really excited. It has been a long time since she has been with relatives from her mother's side. And the clincher, she likes attending formal gatherings. She just enjoys that coat-and-tie-and-evening-gowns-only event, whereas I would evade it if I can. We fitted our old gowns and bought a gift last week, but mom's mind was preparing for it since she knew of the wedding haha.

Yesterday, we left the house at 2 p.m. After 15 minutes of travel, the car was already overheating. It was near a gas station with a service bay area, so we had it checked there. After about an hour, while my mother was throwing tantrums every 5 minutes or so, the mechanic declared that the car cannot be fixed within the day as parts need to be purchased first. At this point, mom was irritated with every person she sees (still the effect of cancer? haha), including dad and me. She wanted to take a taxi to Tagaytay, dad already talked to a taxi in the area, but I opposed the idea. I don't want to pay too much just to get there!! (kuripot ako!). At least I persuaded them to bring the car home first. On the way back, we found a Rapide branch. Mom's eye lighted up a little, but we got the same answer. So she was blaming dad for not knowing that the car would overheat (really!). I was already in a bad mood because she asked me to absent from school for this, and it seemed it was for nothing. Dad was already irritated for mom's incessant blaming.

I was already convinced that we should not go there when we got home. As for the gift we bought, well, we'd just send it to my cousin after a year as an anniversary gift for her. haha. It's too much of a hassle, and after all, we are already 2 hours late from our schedule. But I saw that mom really wanted to go, and I realized she needed to go to these events and have fun, after suffering severe depression for months. Dad perhaps also thought of the same, and before I knew it, dad already found a taxi. In the end, we went there riding a taxi. Fortunately, the taxi driver was a very kind Negrense in his 20s who was as excited as mom was to go to Tagaytay, being his first time.

We arrived at the reception just in time for the main course. Perfect! In the end, though I wont admit it outright, I had a wonderful time as much as my mom did, if not more. =)

P.S.

The only setback was that everybody was asking me when I would be married. haha.

telling a story

2011-11-02T13:46:00.005+08:00

I am staring at this monitor for hours already. I have to write something. I thought of halloween, of the end of sembreak, of the coming Christmas, of chiropractor jobs, of the three books I recently read, or of the sickening uneasiness I am feeling.

The truth is I am thinking of so many things right now. I actually have so many things to write about. I have watched movies in the past days much more than I did during the last semester. Damn. I miss "reviewing" movies. Real Steel is a good one.

I wish I could tell a good story right now. There is a good story around me somewhere, I suppose. I just can't find it. Of course, I could speak of depressions and heartaches, but nobody really wants to read that, unless it's told by Nicholas Spark. I like sad endings. That's why I love Cruel Intentions so much. It has a fitting ending, one that strikes the emotions, and one probably more real than fiction---the sad ending, that is.

I fear for the consequences of the past. And I wish I could take a sneak peak in the future. Though recently, I have been thinking it is how it should be. No clues of tomorrow. I mean, do you really want to know?

Will is such a strong concept. I think I have a strong one of that. But so is destiny. And in that, I am clueless.

And oh, there's a book edited by Neil Gaiman I saw at Fully Booked. I wish I could have that right now. I'll bury myself in that book the whole day today, if I could. Maybe after that, I could already tell you a good story. Or tell you a story in a good way.

little miss entrepreneur

2011-10-21T13:54:00.002+08:00

I think some people just have the innate business talent. Admittedly, I don't have it, although I am not afraid to try. Some people can just cook up the most creative ideas, the advertising magnets, and the overall concept. I have a friend who earns just by speaking; people pay to hear him speak. Ang galing. Another friend just starts a business, and let other people do the rest, earning income doing nothing. Some people sell their hand-made creations for their cyber Monday sale, or make a living buying and selling.

I've tried buying and selling, though I hadn't been successful. I was inspired by kuyang, who has tripled his capital in less than a year by trading cars. He has the necessary elements needed: he's a car expert, he has capital, and he knows how to bargain. I have crosses on all three. haha.

Anyway, recently, a friend has started a Japanese food cart business, and she has been very successful. She offers delicious Japanese meals adjusted to Filipino taste buds at a very affordable price, ranging from P35 to P65. I've already tried the meals, and I approve of them, especially that it comes with a lot of rice. Nakakabusog talaga! Right now, she has franchised about 30 already. And I'm thinking I could franchise another one. I hope this pushes through. =)

back in the game

2011-10-19T21:21:00.002+08:00

Finally, I'm back to sweating!

It's not really a regular thing yet, but I try to do it once a week for weeks now. What is? Tennis! I've practically been planning to go back to tennis for years already. The only thing that's keeping me is that playing tennis is normally too pricey, considering the court rental, the trainer, the ball boy, and the equipment (and I don't have someone to play with!)

Lucky for me, there's a tennis court near my place, and they barely charge you for renting the court! I also got someone to train me again, since it's been a decade since I last played. hehe. And since he's only a varsity student from a state university nearby, he only charges only half as much as the other professional trainers do. And he's pretty nice too. He calls me "ate" all the time. haha. Plus, I only have to walk to the court. =)

For now, since I am a non-member at the court, I can only play at 6 am. That's fine with me, since this recent semester, I have to start studying early anyway, plus it's not too hot. They're yet to see if I "deserve" to be a member. Maybe if that happens, I could already play with the players in the court (meaning less expense on trainer!). For now, I am enjoying all the body pains I get every after game. I am not as fast or energetic as I used to be, but I enjoy the feeling that I am running again. =)

You can video download from youtube my games. Kiddin! Even my dad gets bored when he watches, although I already feel like a pro! =)

No Hurry

2011-09-20T08:18:00.000+08:00

I am 6 years late from entering law school, that is, if you consider that most people continue law school right after college. Thus, I am older than most of my classmates. However, blending with them has not been a problem. Oftentimes, they thought I am their age; sometimes even, they think or see me as childish.

There is one classmate who, while I was laughing loudly along with other classmates during break time, told me to act my age. No offense was taken, and I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me, but just to tease me. At times though, I even tease myself that I am so old already, like I already need to pay my single premium immediate annuity as my life is nearing its end.

I would have said, "the time you reach my age, you'd really look old already if you are like that," but then, I'd seem offended, and perhaps a bit immature. So I just made a reply that is not so nice, yet not so feisty.

Or I would have said, "if you were in my life, I bet you could not handle it," but then I'd sound so depressed. And anyway, I think he's still a child.

I guess I should have said, "don’t be in a rush to act matured, and don't let that childish amusement go---you'll need it along the way."

Self-centered

2011-09-20T08:15:00.001+08:00

When you walk, people see you as your green shirt, your faded jeans, and your white rubber shoes. Most of all, they see you as the face you wear. And that phony laugh. Why shouldn't they, when that's what you are projecting? Ergo, you cannot also complain that you are alone in this world and that nobody cares about you.

Then again, even if you wear "I'D LIKE TO EXPLODE AND DISAPPEAR" in graphic tees with matching grim face, nobody would even care. Or if they do, it would only last for a minute. People have a short tolerance for other people's misery. And a very long line for selfishness. And perhaps that's not entirely wrong. These same people tend to be happier.

Anger is a Gift

2011-09-20T08:13:00.000+08:00

Admittedly, it is hard living one's life with an excess baggage. It would be way easier if we could just throw all the crappy things in the best composters, turning something so unuseful, at times destructive, to something useful. Optimism is the key.

But no, it can never be that easy. We people carry our baggage as long as we can. And we wait until it's too hard to carry or until our backs ache that we stop walking. Fact of life. But how the hell can we unload it when every step of the way, someone's loading it at our backs? You cannot stay positive forever, can you?

the holy one

2011-09-01T21:37:00.007+08:00

Since Eduard was 3 years old, he and I are very attached to each other. In our household, they refer to me as Eduard's mother. In practically all his receiving of medals or any activity in school, he always asks me to be there, to be his "parent". His parents actually do not mind. I'm more of the stage mother type than they are. Well, I've even several posts here and in my other blog of how proud I am of him. More than the medals, he has grown to be such a good boy.

When I was a kid, I've imagined myself one of the kids in the church's choir. Aside from the fact that I do not have a singing voice, no one really asked me if I wanted to join or volunteered to join me (maybe it was because of the voice!). As I used to be a silent kid, I just kept that dream to myself. I wondered how it is to wear that uniform white robe and to sing during masses.

Fast-forward to the future, I've envisioned Eduard of joining the choir or being an altar boy. Admittedly, I never had the time nor the effort to bring him to the parish. The idea just lingered there.

Thus, I was surprised, and very happy, when his parents told me that Eduard joined the group of servers at their parish. He enjoys his time there, and he never misses any practices. I don't exactly know the extent of his "jobs" in the church (or if it includes checking invitationbox.com baptism invitations or other admin duties), but I'm pretty sure Eduard's enjoying them all. Eduard's family, even I, is not really the church going type, so it was unexpected that Eduard would have the inclination to participate in church activities. In fact, he's exerting too much effort for this, forgoing sleep time and weekends just to be at the Church. He serves at masses twice or thrice a week, oftentimes at 5 am. No one in the family would have as much perseverance as he has.

Members of the family call him "Father Eduard", sometimes as a joke, sometimes as a compliment. I told him that it's okay whether he wanted to pursue priesthood or not (some are not that fond of the idea). And if by chance he really wants to pursue the holy order, I definitely would support him all the way. If not, I'd still support him whatever he wants.

But for now, I am just happy he's religious, prayerful, and a good boy (so different from me!). I just wish him a peaceful life, that's all.

The following are pictures taken during his investiture as a server:

praying for us all

with other junior servers (he's at the last row, second from the right)

with his real mother and brother

Eduard's at the right side of the priest, and he's happy about it.

Google, Paris Hilton, Boy Abunda, and other stuff

2011-08-16T21:52:00.006+08:00

By tomorrow, Mordsith will be about halfway her midterms. (Let it be known, by the way, that she is really "uncontactable" -- hehehe -- at this point. Really.) I am sure she's so dead-tired during this part of the day (well, night).*

Na-miss ko naman bigla ang kaibigan kong ito... :-(

You see, usually after her classes, we talk about different stuff -- from Baron Geisler's superb acting skills (hehehe), latest scientific breakthrough, why the Chinese are wrong about their contention that time traveling is not possible, to why Apalit, Pampanga is the next big thing in the history of the Philippines (sorry, Mordsith, just prove me wrong once you have the time to go online again). Now, because of her exams and her preparations for this, I am left with no one but my dear friend, Blogger, to talk to. Hehehe. Drama.

Mordsith, in case you'll pass by your blog anytime today, I have some news for you:

Google acquired Motorola
Paris Hilton is in town. And I heard she lost her phones her in Manila...?
Koko is now a senator.
Boy is being eyed to be the next DOT secretary.

Goodluck!!! :-)

*Hayyyy... If only our bodies are like hp batteries that can be plugged in to a wall socket for immediate recharge...

The caretaker is back

2011-08-12T20:23:00.006+08:00

Note: This is yet again another guest post.

Next week will be Mordsith's midterm exams. (That was fast! Yesterday, it was just her first day in class, right?) She's been busy since last week studying. But because she finds it irresponsible to leave this blog unattended, I am once again taking over this domain. And for the next few posts (I have this feeling it won't be that many anyway), I will be sharing with you some stuff about me and the upcoming event that I'll be attending next week. Any idea what the event is? Remember this post? We'll it's happening next week. My french is still rusty, but I guess I can say "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" with ease. I just wish I won't get kicked in the a55 by the organizers/guards once I attempt to do just that. So, there.

Anyway, for now, I think I should just wish Mordsith goodluck to all her exams. I know she can do this.

And Mordsith, just keep up the goodwork, and I'll buy you that Adirondack chair I saw online (see above). You can sit on it, relax as if you're watching a movie, and review for you class (oh, good luck to you if you can even read while sitting on the chair!). I'm sure you'll love it.

This is the caretaker, Eks, signing in for Mordsith. Have a great weekend everyone!

the plight of the farmers

2011-07-17T10:49:00.003+08:00

I was talking to a parlorista yesterday who works for the parlor walking distance from my place. I grew fond of him because he's a kababayan and he's about the same age as my college cousin Ian. Also, he's very hardworking. He stays in the parlor from morning until it closes, and he's seldom absent, whereas all the other parloristas are. He's always the one to attend first to customers, though most customers always ask for him. The others slouch around in the sofa watching TV or chatting with each other, not minding the customers coming in.

Anyway, he told me their ricefield in Nueva Ecija was flooded due to the rains the past weeks. While most of us are wishing for a colder weather, I guess this seemingly outdoor firepit weather would be better for them. No more continuous heavy rains please. In Metro Manila, we worry about floods, and we should. There, they worry about their livelihood.

This parlorista's very sad, telling me he's spent so much money already for the punla. He said when he went home last week to their hometown, he visited the ricefields first, before going to their house. The tone of sadness was apparent in his voice, and the misery was apparent in his eyes.

I really felt sad for him. I know how hard he's been working. I've always empathized with the farmers, knowing personally some farmers myself. Theirs was a difficult life. They only earn seasonally, with a whole year of hard work. Their problem is not only money, even the weather too. It's force majeure. I have always yearned to help them, even for just a little. Maybe in time, I can.

on being a good consumer

2011-07-17T09:51:00.003+08:00

Thanks to eks for doing the post below. Though I'm not sure he's right that I wouldn't do a post as cheesy as the one he did below. I'm not that cold-hearted, you know. haha.

And also thanks to eks, I was able to replace my old laptop. He helped me to look for the best laptop computers at the source of all computer brands. Where else, but in Gilmore. hehe. We checked every shop there, and I'm satisfied with the one I got. After 2 days of canvassing, I'm proud to say, I taught him how to be a good consumer.

I am never an impulsive buyer. I never buy things that I just like. If buying something is not planned, I have to really like it to buy it. Hindi pwede ang pwede na. Or it must have been a really good deal. At times though, it seems I'm depriving myself. But I just couldn't take buying, knowing I could find something better elsewhere, or cheaper. I guess the keyword is options. You always have to look for options.

Of course, there's always a limit to being choosy. It's called practicality. It's about weighing the circumstances. In everything, there must always be a balance. =)

...and i will do anything for love*

2011-07-14T13:40:00.007+08:00

What will you do when you love someone so much yet you know it's almost impossible for the two of you to be together? You see, I am so inlove with this person but I really don't know how I should say it. I mean, first, she's so beautiful and talented, and I -- on the other hand -- well, I am on the other side of the spectrum. (I guess the song is correct: Maybe sometimes love just ain't enough.)

But I guess I need to try. I believe I have mustered enough strength inside to let her know that I can be with her when she needs my support. That I can leave the life that I have when that moment comes. And I want all of you to know that I will try my best to get her attention… and hopefully more than that.

On August 19, after I take some French lessons, an effective exercise regimen, and probably a diet pill that works, I will see her. Mark that date, guys.

O, please check this pic so you know who I'm talking about.

*And you actually thought Mordsith will make a post like this? Hehehe. This is Eks, guest-posting for Mordsith. :-)

ice breaker

2011-07-09T20:35:00.003+08:00

So right now, I still haven't adjusted to my law school-work at home life. I still haven't figured out the best time to work (after or before school) and study. I still get desperate over lack of time and get seriously affected over a bad recitation. But I am still hoping that I could eventually figure an effective time management, though I know it won't be as easy as getting cable management or refraining from watching anime. But eventually.

-----

Anyway, over the entire week, there's one thing that made me laugh. There is an irregular student who's my classmate in 2 subjects. In these two subjects, we sat beside each other. She always talks to me, and my general impression is she's very nice. She's already 30-ish and told me she already has 2 kids. She's working for the school paper and part-time in Congress, so I realized an opportunity to offer her a freelance job. I thought she might need it. She said she'll try.

Thereafter, she was called for a recitation. The professor recognized her and said, "Your husband is a congressman, right?" Wow. I am offering a freelance job to a congressman's wife. hehe. And by the way, that congressman is pretty famous; he's always on TV. I just couldn't help but laugh at myself. =)

When she sat down, I asked her number. I told her I'll just text her when the materials have been sent to her e-mail. Paninindigan ko na to! haha.

all is well

2011-07-02T09:59:00.003+08:00

I called up eks and asked, "submit ko na ba?" I was referring to my resignation letter. He said, "submit mo na." And I hit the sent button.

It took me months of mentally preparing myself of sending the e-mail. It took me a lot of rereading to make sure the letter would be received well. I don't wanna burn bridges, ika nga. And it took me one go signal from an ever-trusted friend to finally send it.

As I was hoping, I did not hear a single negative comment from my bosses in the States, considering I submitted an effective-immediately resignation. They wished me well, offered me a recommendation letter if I need it, and expressed sadness that I was leaving. I also feel sad too, but grateful that I've actually worked with compassionate bosses and a bunch of unbelievably nice people.

I know eks would always be there to help me. I trust him with my life. Pardon for being mushy here, but I am just thankful that in times of uncertainties, there are people who give you a sense of security. (Hey eks, you are that to me! wehehehe nambola pa ko... joke!) I also have friends assuring help (or alleviating my fears); I can always count on them. These past months, it seemed I always send an SOS. hehe. Thank you, thank you.

I was scared of instability. Making myself laugh, I even thought of mowing neighbor's lawns with ariens mowers, just like that of kids in the States. haha. It was a silly thought! But I guess when a door closes, another one opens. For me, doors opened for several freelance works. Unexpectedly, one by one, they materialized, just a week when I was about to resign and wasn't really looking yet. It must have been a sign to go ahead.

Of course, I still have to work, but at least I have more flexible time schedule to attend to law school. Perhaps I can even earn the same net as I have been earning. All in all, I think all is well.

transitions

2011-06-20T09:22:00.003+08:00

The first week of school (last week) and the 2 months of summer seemed, to me, to be ocean miles apart. It seemed long ago when all I had to do after work was to watch TV until midnight (unless I had freelance works due). I've finished the last two seasons of Heroes and latest two seasons of House. As always, I am updated in Naruto and Bleach. My routine is now back to normal, that is, start the day early and end it late. And I am not complaining. I've learned to love this life; I like learning.

The hardest week of school (aside from exams week, of course) is the first week. As in most things in life, transitioning from one thing to another, or from one kind of life to the next, is the hardest part. It is the twilight zone.

At first you can't let go of the past just yet. Then you have difficulty adjusting. It always seems like you are not ready. (I'm just talking about school here, though I might sound like talking about life.) The vacation time should be enough for me. I cannot recharge forever, even rechargeable aa batteries need to be pulled off.

You cannot always be prepared. (Now, I'm talking about life here.) But what can we do? Perhaps take a deep breath and face everything head on. What else? Before we know it, it's over.

together

2011-06-04T12:33:00.003+08:00

How much does it take to give up one's dream? Well, I'm not too idealistic to think that no one would exchange their dream for something more, say, luxurious. I see people everyday going on about their lives trying to make it big in the corporate world, forgetting that they once dreamed of being an artist or a musician. Practicality has a way of forcing things into you, especially when you don't have the luxury of choosing.

I have a friend who loved his job in advertising. In advertising flags of perfume, fruit juices, or an MTV program, brainstorming, pumping out creative juices, and making brilliant storyboards were something he looked forward to every day, not to mention the artsy office and the weird hours of work. But it didn't sustain the needs of his children. So he packed his bag and worked somewhere else, boring but well paying.

Now, I have another friend. He had worked as an executive/manager for a long time, especially because he's brilliant in whatever he does. He wouldn't run out of companies offering him top positions. But one day, he just walked out of the office and never wanted to look back again. Now he's starting an IT firm of his own, just a small one in a small office, with very few employees. He wasn't earning much, or earning at all, from this office, and he recently turned down an employment as an executive in another company. Financially, now, he's struggling, but otherwise, he's happy.

This is not to say that one of them is right and one of them is wrong. It's a matter of what makes you happy, or better yet, what makes you not miserable the rest of your life.

I have always aspired to be a lawyer, but circumstances made me forget it. Six years after graduating, I was still working in a publishing company, well paid but unfulfilled. From time to time, it comes back to me---that I want to be a lawyer. But what could I do? I have responsibilities that no one would or could carry but me.

Two years ago, I finally did it. I finally told the family what I really wanted, and my grandmother pledged to help me if she can. I transferred to a less-pay but less-time work. Law school is very time consuming. Earnings dwindled significantly, and sometimes some would think that we wouldn't have to suffer like this if only I were focused on work. It gets to me sometimes, but I am bent on finishing what I have started.

I would be on my third-year now, very thankful that I made it this far and did better than I expected from myself. Perhaps I am really meant for this one, I thought to myself sometimes. Now, I am facing a dilemma. I would have to let go of office work completely, but I am afraid that freelance jobs would not suffice for a family with two sick parents. Then again, I guess I have to do this now or postpone my dream. Well, this dream of mine has been long overdue. I hope it's not too selfish to quit my job. We'd just have to make do on what I'd earn without it.

I realize that dreams are not meant to be achieved alone. People need understanding and support, and sometimes sacrifices, especially from family. We could not do it alone.

I met a (suicide) bomber

2011-05-23T21:59:00.003+08:00

At around 315 am, my friend and I were already at the Victory Liner bus terminal in Cubao to get on the 4 am trip to Baguio. And about that time, the bus was already fully booked. We have to wait for the 5 am bus. For us, that was really frustrating. And so did the man in line behind us felt.

He was wearing a white polo shirt and carrying a suitcase and another hand-carry bag. Although he didn't look like a rich businessman with great management jobs, you wouldn't get friendly with him either. He's the serious type. He asked us (more like confirmed) if the 4 am trip was full, and we said yes. He said the Genesis bus line still has the 4 am bus. We asked him if he was sure. He said he was. So we agreed to go there. It's on the north-bound lane in EDSA, whereas the Victory Liner bus is on the south-bound lane. Inarguably, we could walk to there.

But the man talked to the taxi parked outside Victory and told the driver to bring us to Genesis. My friend and I didn't know how to react. First, we didn't want to spend money on taxi fare. Second, he's a stranger. But our better judgment failed us, and we got on the taxi. (Although frankly, I didn't have second thoughts. I felt he was harmless. lol.) He asked if we were from Baguio, and we said no. Then I asked him if he was from there; he said he's going to Pangasinan, and if he fell asleep on the bus, he'd go to Baguio. Then he said, he just got home from... but he stopped talking just before he could say a place.

We got to Genesis just a few minutes after. The man took a thick fold of money just cramped together from his pocket (I saw 500 bills!) and paid the cab. Once we reached the cashier, we learned that the 4 am trip was also full. We again agreed to go back to Victory. I told the man that maybe we should walk, but he again called a cab. He told the driver to bring us to Victory, but to drop by a fruit stand first. Now this time, we said it's okay, we'd go straight to Victory. Of course, the fruit stand was another matter. haha.

He said, okay. He gave us a thousand bill to buy two tickets for him, because he wanted the whole seat to himself then told the taxi driver to bring him to Farmers (the fruit stand). Before the cab could leave, I asked for his number, just in case we'd have to go somewhere else and could not wait. He said, "ok lang yan. makikita ko kayo," then left.

At this point, my friend and I couldn't help but smile in amazement about this man. Why would he give us a thousand bill just like that? In fairness, he made our otherwise surly morning to something interesting. We made speculations on what this could man be. My friend came up with an idea that maybe he's a (suicide) bomber. (Of course, you know a few paragraphs before, that my declaration in the title was not true... right?)

He went back to the terminal. We gave him his tickets, then we went to 711 to kill time. When we finally sat on our seats on the bus, we noticed that there were two people across us. Well, that should be just one man, the stranger we just met.

Why wasn't he on the bus, after buying two tickets and after exerting efforts to get on the 4 am trip?

My friend checked the spaces below the seats. There were no black bags left hidden. =)

his best birthday EVER

2011-05-10T22:49:00.009+08:00

My "little boy" Eduard had his 11th birthday last May 6. Since it was a Friday, I got to celebrate his birthday with him on a Saturday night. (Actually, we bought him shoes Saturday afternoon.) And according to him, he truly had a great time, that is, compared with his other birthdays---his best birthday ever! So where did I bring him and his kuya ian? I brought him to a resto bar (owned by my friend's family).

We started the night with a dinner. We ordered the specialty rice, buttered chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy, and something that tasted like pindang na usa. The food was great!

Eduard really ate a lot!

Then, I urged them drink with me in the bar! They were a bit shy at first...

But eventually learned how to hold a bottle!

Hey! I'm not that cool, you know? All we did in the bar was photo-ops. Dami namin pictures sa bar na yan! hehe. Maybe next time, I'd really teach them how to drink or to trailer hitch or to play pusoy dos, but not at age 11!

Just the three of us bonding

The fun part was when we played billiards. The three of us are novices, so we were all excited to hold a tako. And we were all eager to shoot a ball. But a single 8-ball game took an hour! And we downgraded our goal to this: just hit the ball with that white one!

At about 1 am, we finished playing billiards. We got exhausted after hours of playing and containing our excitement. It felt like we were pros the way we were too keen on shooting a ball. haha. Whenever we shoot a ball (is this even the term used for it?), it was hysteria!

Afterward, we conquered the videoke until 3 am, with yours truly leading the challenge. haha. We wouldn't go home if I hadn't received a text from an angry mother (my mother) telling me to bring the kids home. =)

Happy birthday, Eduard! I love you soooooooooo much!

tacsiyapo!!!

2011-05-09T23:45:00.009+08:00

On mother's day, our family went to Isdaan in Tarlac. It's such a wonderful place. I wasn't expecting I'd really enjoy the place. I thought it was just like Dampa, where fresh seafoods and delicious meals are cooked. I was completely wrong. Isdaan was so much more (i'll make a post soon).

It was known for tacsiyapo. They have a wall there where you could throw plates, cups, and even a television just so you could release your anger or stress. Be it your inefficient cable or xbox live subscription, the loss of you favorite NBA team, lousy boss, poor grades, or just your pure hellish life. haha. You have to shout "tacsiyapo" before smashing stuff against the wall.

You could buy the plates, mugs, etc., from them. Heck, you could even buy a TV to throw at the wall (if you're frustration is that big!).

Mugs cost P15. Plates P16. TV P2000.

Here are the pictures of the kids before throwing against the wall. When people throwing are supposed to be angsty, the kids were so happy!

a toast!

Here are our photos targeting all those things we're mad at.

College kid Ian targeting "Profs/Classmates"

Eduard targeting, well, the wall. haha.

I targeted "highblood atbp" (they should have changed it to cancer/kidney failure haha. On my next try, I also targeted "Profs/Classmates". =)

My cousin's girlfriend, manager of a computer sales company, targeted "abusadong customer" and threw the plate with feelings! Among the bubbles there, I think the most targeted, judging by the faded paint, was "mother-in-law" haha. You? What would you hit there?

choices, and lack thereof

2011-05-06T09:48:00.006+08:00

Life is full of choices. Whether Coke or Sprite, liposuction or conjugated linoleic acid, nursing or engineering, stay or leave, single or married, fight or flight. Whether an optimist or a pessimist. Whether an idealist or a realist. You choose whether you'd be a hero or a villain.

But it's easier said than done, as most lines like these are. I know I'd choose Coke any time, but that's about the most decisive I can be. I think my life hasn't been much of a conscious choice, not to mention that this life has made me indecisive. Most of the time, I feel like I have no choice---everything's a matter of survival---and I think many people feel the same way as I do.

I know I've made choices I'm not happy with, but I think that they're the right choices. I guess that there's one choice I can't afford to be wrong with, and that is responsibility, although it sometimes is at the expense of choosing to be happy or choosing to be free. Then again, you couldn't also be happy if you know you failed in this one. Aha! Is there really a choice?

I may sound a little (or a lot) bitter, but at this point I am not. I have already accepted what fate has brought me, although I'm not sure how much longer this state would be. Perhaps fate isn't that antithetical of choices after all. And perhaps one day, I could freely make choices the way it's supposed to be. That probably again is one thing that we should always choose to have: hope.

(P.S. This a comment to eks' multiple choice.)

a quiet week

2011-04-25T17:16:00.003+08:00

How did you spend your holy week?

I went home to the province (and I'm still here). Against my mother's complaint, I brought with me so many stuff and urban clothes, thinking I'd "seize" every day of this long vacation. I've been missing drinking alcohol and going home at 4 am. I also missed my old friends here.

Apparently, I only went out of the house twice. One was on Good Friday to "watch" the procession, at the request of 11-year-old Eduard. The other was on Sabado de Gloria, making our way to hundreds of people who decided to go to the same water park as the one we went to (it was really a hassle, but we enjoyed the day nonetheless). This was also at the request of the children.

I guess my plan to party didn't work out well. Apparently, I didn't miss drinking and partying that much. Is this part of growing old? Or perhaps this was really the normal me. I've spent almost every day here in a routine manner. Reading a book, watching DVD, watching TV, and reading a book---with meals in between, and almost all the time, with kids around.

I remember holy week last year was full of activities. Yes, it was a vacation week, but it was quite tiring. This one was more serene. And frankly, I enjoyed it more. =)

So, how was yours?

teenage dirtbag

2011-04-12T10:01:00.007+08:00

Ian, the first kid since the first set of grandchildren (kuyang, me, and tootie - only a year apart from each other), turned 17 yesterday. When he was a baby, we were all into him, especially me. He's just so cute, and his smile was so endearing. He took over our world, my world, for a time. When I come home from school (I was in high school then), I'd go straight to his room, look at him, and play with him for a while. During some nights, I sleep over with him and his parents. At times, I really think angels are playing with him, especially when he giggles alone. Eventually, his parents moved out, but they entrusted his care to Lola. So he has become, what you may call, a Lola's boy.

After years of staying in Manila, and going home only for long weekends and holidays, I never really saw him grow up. True, I witnessed the important events in his life, but I never saw his day-to-day life that turned him into what he is now.

He's grown to be the typical teenaged kid, you know, with the usual complaints about them. If he's not on the net, he constantly has all those Apple accessories plugged into his ears, making it very hard to talk with him. And of course, he hates staying at home and prefers spending time with barkadas. I never really guessed he'd be the same way that he is now. But don't we all pass through this phase? Some just pass through it faster than the others, while others almost never pass this stage (take a guess which category I belong to). Still, I know in my heart that he and his siblings and my niece Keng all grow up to be fine adults someday. I am praying for that, every time I pray.

To some extent, I envy Ian. I never had the same liberty he's been experiencing now. My parents, Lola even, were stricter back when we were teenagers. I am home by 6 pm and rarely go out with friends on weekends. And I never, never, experienced sleepovers and out-of-towns. At the same time, I am happy for him---that he has been living the life a teenager should live it. I hope he gets wisdom from the life that he is choosing now. After all, I know he's angel is always still with him.

Happy birthday, Ian. Never forget, ever, that we love you always. You will always be my original favorite. ;)

Note: Teenage Dirtbag is a Wheatus song that I really love.

bloopers

2011-04-06T07:52:00.005+08:00

I've heard so many people complain about their Internet or phone connections, especially when they most need it, to look for the 1st anniversary gift for him, to book a flight, or to meet a deadline (do you still remember the PLDT customer service controversy?).

For a whole week, I did not use my net, so I was quite annoyed when there was no connection, especially when I needed it to meet a deadline for work. Immediately I called up the hotline.

After all the interviews, all the agent could offer was for me to switch the ends of the yellow cable connecting the modem and the laptop. I said, "are you serious?" as I was expecting a more elaborate solution, like configuration or something. It still did not work after that, so he said a technician would have to personally check my connection. I was irked by the delay, but what can I do? I just emphasized the need to have it fixed within 24 hours.

And within 24 hours, the technician came. I welcomed him in a not-so-good mood (still annoyed by the connection problems). In a second, he fixed the problem. Apparently, the cable connecting the phone and the modem was not plugged to the phone! Oh my gosh, after all the bad mood, it was just a stupid mistake on my part! haha! The agent should have asked me to check all the cables that need to be checked. haha. It was really a simple solution after all.

In my shame, when he told me that the cable was pulled out, I just said, "the net was down since last night!" haha. What does that have to do with anything? When he opened the modem, I was half hoping it won't work. But it did. :p

bisita

2011-03-30T19:24:00.002+08:00

I just love it when my grandmother exerts extra effort whenever I am home. Last night, she stayed late and watched all the soap operas with me. I insisted that she already go to her room and rest at about 9 pm, but she in turn insisted she wasn't sleepy yet. From time to time, I can see her closing her eyes. haha. In fact, she fell asleep once or twice. But she said, she regularly does that every commercial. Marunong pang magpalusot si lola! I pretended sleepy so she would sleep already.

When I woke up this morning, she heated water for my coffee and offered all the breakfast she had around. I just took the coffee. She stared at my face and saw the pimples that appeared during finals week and asked me if I wanted her to bring me to the dermatologist for skin care (during college, she was the one who always insisted, and the one who actually brought me, to the same derma). Considering how simple she is, it's surprising how she really gets bothered with a few pimples in my face (as well as that of my male cousins!).

And on our way home from my cousin Eduard's recognition, she bought me halo-halo and my favorite isaw. Isn't she the sweet one? =)

Gabrielle

2011-03-29T11:43:00.007+08:00

In the second floor of my apartment, there lives a 4-year-old girl whom I absolutely adore. She reminds me of my niece keng, who is about her age. And perhaps even more, she reminds me of myself.

When I was little, it was my dad who stays at home and takes care of me. He prepares my breakfast, takes me to school, and brings me home from school. He practically spends the whole day with me. That is the same way with Gabbie now.

At times, Gabbie would stay with me after she comes home from school. She would even eat lunch with me, leaving her father alone upstairs. I wonder why she wants to spend time here, although I have no preschool playground equipment here. I guess she just loves talking with others (her parents don't allow to play her in the streets, unlike the other kids in the neighborhood). She is particularly sweet (one time she asked her mom to buy pasalubong for me!). And she is absolutely brilliant. Hence,

And I am again, another proud Ate. Congrats, Gabbie! =)

what makes my day

2011-03-23T19:19:00.003+08:00

For some reason, little kids and I have mutual attraction. Inevitably, we found each other again here. :)

The past 2 weeks, the children grew fond of staying in my apartment, just watching TV, talking to me, or just hanging around. Their favorite activity though is playing with Casper (finally being with him every day is one thing that's keeping me happy these days). At first, they just stay in the terrace. Eventually, they invaded my home. haha.

Because I was really busy finishing law school requirements, the presence of noisy kids was a bit distracting. I don't have mimio toys here or PS3 to keep them occupied (and stop talking to me haha). So, I asked them to write an article, which, they surprisingly agreed to.

Here's what John-John, the chubby boy fit for a hotdog commercial, wrote:

Casper

Casper is a good dog he eats dog food he lives in a big big big big house in nueva ecija [this is not true hehe] he has 1 daughter. Casper daughter's name Nicci casper wifes' name is Katie casper lives in [our address].

Tito xxx Tita xxx and Ate [mordsith] are the owners of Casper. Casper color is white he is small his eyes is big his nose is small his eyes is big his nose is small his face big his mouth sharp casper's body is big he eat's dog food

he is fat Casper has sharp teeth he lives in a house Casper wife's color is white Casper daughter's color is white Casper is friendly Casper's wife is masungit Casper daughter is magulo like me joke.

Time Machine

2011-03-10T09:50:00.005+08:00

I was talking to a friend, talking about the past, when he exclaimed, "When my child grows up, I will tell him to think carefully of every decision he makes…and that there is no time machine."

It resounded in my brain over and over again. Of course, I already know that we can never change what was or what had been. There is just something so sad about how he said it, or the context when he said it, that his sentiments reached me. The optimist, or the rational, will tell you that you should not dwell on the past. As in every lesson in life, it is easier said than done. And perhaps more than half of the world's population would go back to the past if given the chance. I for one had been trying to ignore the lingering feeling that I wish I could travel backward. But it is more difficult to suppress the feeling that I wish I could just leave the present and stay in the past forever.

And no, this is not just the sentiment of the pessimist or the irrational. It has always been the desire of people to go back and correct their mistakes, albeit in different degrees. It can be as light as claiming that Visa reward card or eating the last piece of cake or as heavy as marrying for love or pursuing your dreams. It would be utterly, if not really, impossible that people live without regrets. We are bound to make mistakes, just as sure as we are bound to feel pain. And whenever the mistakes seem impossible to remedy or the pain feels unbearable, we dream of the past, wishing we were there. Hadn't we seen Superman fly super fast around the globe to rewind time? I wonder if Superman could still do that now. I bet he would, if he still can.

We always hear of the golden past; it seemed this golden age never becomes the present. We are miserable because we always tend to forget that in a timeline, there is a past, a present, and a future. But who's blaming? It's easy to forget the future when it seems vague or predictably dark. It's easier to look back when all you see is smiles…when the blue sky shines just as brightly as the sun.

No. I am not saying that this is the right way to live, assuming there is a right one. I am just stating a fact as I see it in people's eyes, or in the eyes of those around me. What have we got to gain in looking back? Learn from mistakes? Maybe. Or just maybe, we learn nothing. We just for a moment try to feel the time when we aren't this miserable. The setback, we get more miserable after that. Who cares?

Oh, yes. It is difficult to dwell on the past. People say you wouldn't move on. But it is not true. People can still move on, even holding on to the precious moments of before, desperately grasping the time when mistakes had not been made. Would it be better if you forget about it and move on? Maybe. Who knows? Absolutely, there is no choice but to go on.

It is quite hard to speak for the world, although it is not as hard to observe it. As for me, if there is a time machine, I will take it. The question is, if I would still go back here. And no, this is not a lesson to learn. I am just presenting a reality as I see it. This is just a sentiment written.

What Sundays Have Become

2011-02-28T14:34:00.001+08:00

I wonder how I came to this point that it has become so hard to rest. It has become an effort, a mind-bothering experience which I'd rather not go through. I used to look forward to weekends; oh, to just lie in front of the TV, unmoved by the noisiest sound of children, what a blessing in itself. Now, I look forward to weekends, to Sundays when there would be much time to work, to study, ultimately, to keep my mind running. I wish it were Sunday to catch up for the mistakes of the rather short weekdays. A little document scanning here, copy editing there, and reading in between--that would have been a blessing in itself. How sad Sundays have become.

the second mom

2011-02-25T15:21:00.005+08:00

Next week, I am again asked to be a ninang for my childhood friend's son. I already have dozens of inaanaks, the first and second are already in college. Every time, I feel delighted to be chosen as a godmother. It feels like an acknowledgment of the bond I have formed with the parent/s and a recognition that I could really be a second parent to their child. Most of the parents are close friends, and material gifts that I could give to their children are immaterial. As of now, I am in no position yet to buy fabulous strollers or baby car seats (or the best diet pills for the moms who have just given birth hehe). The only thing I could promise is I'd try my best to be the coolest godmother I could be. =)

photo from the web

fast-paced karma

2011-02-23T23:26:00.002+08:00

Notwithstanding the annoying incident (see post below) today, my day ended happy. =)

I have this weird belief that whenever I really want to get something right, I don't want to be happy for the day until I get that right. I believe in the concept of bawi in that, because I was so happy, I'd be sad next. And sad means I won't get what I want. haha. It's somewhat like fast-paced karma.

I couldn't contain my happiness when I got home. I devoured all the food and the fruits in the table (never mind my fat belly or that I need the best weight loss supplement) and was so talkative the whole time. It's just that I've been so down lately, one good moment thrills me!

So thanks to the couple below. You made my day. ;)

photo from the web

Get A Room

2011-02-23T21:58:00.005+08:00

I arrived at school 2 hours before my class. I motivated myself to maximize that whole time to study. I am overly anxious over that subject, and I'm desperately, desperately, wanted to get a good recitation.

While other people prefer studying in the library or in groups, I prefer studying in quiet and isolated from people. I get distracted easily, so I always choose an isolated place, where very few people pass and/or stay.

In a quiet corridor I sat down on a bench, where only one quiet law student was also studying. Perfect spot.

After a few minutes, a girl sat on a bench crying loudly. It was what we call in Filipino as ngumangawa. In a minute, she was followed by a guy, apparently her boyfriend. The girl was almost hysterical, and I, about 15 meters away, can hear all she's saying. It was just quite annoying how she's been overreacting because she walked alone for like, I don't know, a block. At first, the guy was calming her. After a few minutes, he was also shouting then he left. The girl was now hysterical. The guy came back. Apparently he never really intended to leave her there; he just checked on something. Argh.

They could have been arguing for enzyte side effects or world domination for all I care. I don't want to know. I don't want to hear. I just hope that they just get a room.

for a cause

2011-02-20T13:37:00.004+08:00

I just finished the Two for Taft unity run for the benefit of the bar bomb blast victims last year. I spotted there the poster girl of the survivors, Raissa Laurel, who lost her 2 legs in that cruel event but who nevertheless faced the world courageously and positively afterward. I am truly inspired on how she handled this whole ordeal; her optimism is, and rightfully, quite infectious.

Compared with the last 10k I did, this one was big event. Different law schools and organizations participated, all in the effort to raise 2 million for the operations and long-term treatment of about 40 victims. Truthfully, those of us who run would be given incentives in our school. But compared with my first run, I run for this one wholeheartedly. Perhaps because I know the actual victims and I also condemn such nonsense violence that took out somebody's ability to walk.

So together with friends, we took the 10k and run around the CCP area. Well, it was mostly walk throughout the route (haha), but it was an effective idea to finish the run. After I got home at around 830 am, I crawled through my old bed, wishing I had the most comfy memory foam mattress, but I nevertheless fell asleep immediately. Writing this now, I am still dead tired, with muscles all over aching. But the run for a cause was all worth it.

photo from the web

the deal maker

2011-02-20T13:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I ruin my day by dwelling on how I no longer want to work. There are days though that my sensible self tells me to feel otherwise.

If there is one significant good thing that happened to my life last year, it's that I've found a great employer--a simple Amerikana who built an empire of medical and scientific writing of her own. Of all the jobs around, I got the one with the most understanding and sympathetic boss (actually, we should feel lucky that we have a job these days). The next best thing, if not the best, probably was that I finally left my old job, rather, my old boss.

As an illustration, on my last birthday, she sent me a Disney greeting card--with a handwritten small note. This little gesture means a lot, considering she's managing different offices in the States, one in UK, and this one here in Makati.

During the Christmas season, she sent each one of us in the Philippine office a huge dark chocolate. She could have easily sent all of them in the office. Instead, she sent these chocolates to our respective home addresses. What a sweet and charming woman.

In a few weeks, she'll be visiting our office here. We are all excited (and I am also nervous) to be with her, though all of us have already met her since she makes it a point to personally interview all our company's applicants in all branches. How she does that is just plain admirable.

So whenever I feel disoriented with work, I just tell myself, "you may never find again a good boss like this one."

vacation frenzy

2011-02-20T07:26:00.000+08:00

There are so many people planning getaways, booking local flights here and there. Fortunately for people, local airlines have been offering apparently cheaper price for a flight to here and there, airfares which were previously so difficult to afford. Unfortunately for me, I cannot see any foreseeable time when I could actually make an out-of-town vacation, save for my hometown. Indeed, I am quite jealous of friends who have been constantly browsing Cebu Pacific or PAL or SeaAir for the best deals, while I am engaged in reading lipozene reviews and trying to comfort myself that, well, there may still be those good flight-hotel packages and appropriate time for a trip to somewhere relaxing/exciting. If and when I get that, I'd fly myself to Japan (or just about anywhere not here).

the story of the men in camouflage

2011-02-17T09:04:00.003+08:00

There is no doubt I want to be a lawyer. I am going through all these no-rest years just to be one, not to mention the serious anxieties I now feel regularly whenever I'm in class.

Perhaps the reason is that a lawyer's career involves public service, if one chooses to do so. Or maybe it's because people look up to lawyers, at least I do so.

But when I was a child, I seriously wanted also to be a soldier---yes, a foot soldier battling in the field. I literally dreamed of armed confrontations in forest, and I always felt thrilled when I wake up. I got an application for PMA when I was a high school senior, but I lacked months for the age requirement. I didn't pursue it the year next.

Perhaps the reason was that a soldier's career involves public service, and it's absolutely so. Or maybe it's because people look up to soldiers, at least I did so.

And this is precisely the reason I am really saddened, no, outraged, by all the controversies the armed forces are getting into. Instead of lives saved, we're now talking of funds malversed. Instead of putting lives at stake to defend public, we're now hearing of taking own lives to evade public hearing.

While the generals' wives are traveling the world with their gold credit cards (one was stupid enough to bring cash), the foot soldiers were running in worned-out combat shoes and defective guns. You know how the story goes.

I remembered the time when I looked at men in camouflage in awe. I looked back when, as a child, I salute whenever I see them. I am still hoping this despicable story will change. It has not ended yet...I hope.

residue

2011-02-10T21:24:00.001+08:00

Last Friday, my mother had her final chemotherapy. Mother, as well as dad and I, wanted to celebrate. It meant the end of those vicious chemos leaving mommy like a crumpled paper. It meant not seeing those dainty nurses uniforms every 3 weeks or so. It meant the end of the constant stress of finding a means to pay for them.

And so we did celebrate. We went to our pizza pasta restaurant and ordered our favorite pastas and the must-have buffalo wings. Mother even ordered bottomless soda for herself. It was really a celebration, free from all stress...at least for the meantime.

Yesterday, the side effects of the chemo were kicking in. Up to now, mother feels very weak and depressed, aggravated by vertigo. It was a sight disheartening to behold---one I never want to see ever again.

Still, I find solace that it would be the last of it. It is just a residue of a difficult chapter now closed.

10k: part 2

2011-02-10T21:21:00.003+08:00

The 10-kilometer run I did some two weeks ago was, to me, a hilarious incident, a practical joke the school played on me. And I joyfully played along.

I never thought I would do that same thing twice. Yes, you heard me. I will try another 10k run, and yes, it is for the same reason as the one before.

The first one was inside a village in Alabang, and we "passed" the time admiring the big, beautiful houses, wondering what sort of home automation software is installed or how much could that fiber-glass gate cost. Honestly, we were surprised when we already finished that run (more like a looooong walk), thanks to the fanciful environment.

This next run would be through Manila streets. Obviously, it would be a different environment. Nevertheless, as in all "run", we will still find a way to get through the finish line. =)

when you believe

2011-01-31T09:49:00.003+08:00

It was around June when my mother first had her chemotherapy session. Probably due to her scared mind and weak body, she suffered during that first one. We had to rush her to the hospital some days after that. She was so afraid then; so were we.

This week, my mother will have her 8th and last chemo. The chemos in between were also physically hard for her, the anxiety and fear never really left her, but she faced them with more resolve and courage.

My father was instrumental that she reached this point. He has always, always, been there for her. He would understand her tantrums and cries of desperation and paranoia when most of us would lose patience. He would memorize all her medicines and their dosages and administration. He seemed like an expert in cancer already. He is a natural in taking care of people and perfectly fit for those healthcare industry jobs, at least for my mom's needs. He disregarded, well, postponed, his own health concerns just to take care of her.

Now, my mother's a little more hopeful with her condition. I am very positive she'll live a long life after this ordeal. I guess things happen when you believe.

going for gold

2011-01-12T15:44:00.002+08:00

I will attempt to run 10 kilometers. Why? Just to see if I could do it. Why? Because I'm desperate. haha.

Our school will be having a fun run for the benefit of a foundation. One of the professors invited us and promised additional points in the final grade: 1 for 1K, 3 for 5K, and 5 for 10k. And because I had a very poor, unprepared recitation in his class, not to mention he hates our section (our mistake!), I will go for 10K. No need for diet pills for women. I surely would shed pounds and beat eks in our bet!

The problem is I have never had physical exercise for years already. I am so lazy I would not walk 2 floors down, though I am terribly hungry. Neither have I the time to practice for this run---not even a day. So I guess I just have to run and go for gold, wishing my determination, and desperation, will suffice. =)

goodbye, bamboo

2011-01-12T14:51:00.006+08:00

Back in high school, my conservative, snobbish, but crush ng bayan friend had an eye for only one guy---Bamboo. Now a doctor, she's still a fan (though she now has a boyfriend).

So many women drool over him, probably because of his suplado countenance. Some girls my age then actually wanted to try the best diet pills for women, if only to impress Bamboo when they see him up close. He was a fad.

He was still the frontman of Rivermaya then. Eventually, he formed a new band, named after the plant (or after his name), Bamboo. I was never really a fan of that band, but admittedly, they made some good music. And it's a bit sad that they're now saying goodbye. Yes, they are.

A quote from his farewell message: We've learned that this journey is not only about us but includes all who came along for the trip. Family, friends and of course front row believers who were there for the best reason of all. To simply listen.

changing seasons

2011-01-12T11:43:00.002+08:00

Life cannot be all about fun. I've had my happy times the weeks past, especially during the holidays. School and work had been set aside, and it had been generally a happy, relaxed holidays.

Next week is already midterms weeks. I would have to bury myself with my books and hope to learn them well, not just for the exams but for my career as a lawyer (dear Lord, help me be one!). There all those rituals I have to have during that week (bacchus, coffee, band-aid,etc.). I need my prayer warriors help. I'm truly scared to enter the midterms week, especially in 2 subjects, but I must remember, after the rainy season, there's summer again.

wrapping up

2011-01-03T09:46:00.004+08:00

until next year...

How quick Christmas comes. How quick Christmas goes.

Yesterday, Santa moved to a room in the house and prepared for his long slumber until another December, together with all those red and golden balls, little reindeer, and little stars. The karaoke that played lively, loud music during the holidays now rests mute in my room. The tupperwares are now empty of spaghetti, ham, and salad. Our Christmas home is now quiet, the children running around the house are now tucked in school, while I am now miles away. The little girl in the photo will leave on a plane 7 days from now. It will be another year before all these come together again. That little girl might be 2 inches taller then.

It's a bit sad, but I would just remember how quick Christmas comes. :)

time of your life

2010-12-31T11:00:00.004+08:00

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.

I wonder if I could write better when I am happy. When I do not sulk in misery and speak of cryptic words when the message of despair is screaming out of the page. Just look at these first two lines. People find them "hard" to read, but they are "easy" for me to write. Nobody really wants to be near negativity. And really, that is how it is ought to be. But everybody wants to rant. Deadlock.

There's a song from my favorite band, Green Day, that I would like to be played on my funeral. What one may think as morbidity is actually a testament on how I want to live my life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.

When I look back in my life, like watching during my old age in a comfortable couch and a berkline home theater seating, I would like to see all the things as they are, triumphs, regrets, everything. It's not a test but a lesson learned in time. I would like to remember that in every strong emotion, I lived. I lived the time of my life.

Go on. Read the lyrics. Sing the song. It's a positive one.

Another turning point;

a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;

directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test

and don't ask why.

It's not a question

but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs

and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf

In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories

and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,

it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Listen to it here. Good riddance.

Moving On

2010-12-29T12:18:00.004+08:00

There is probably no better time in the year to reflect on your life than the end of every year, mostly of its symbolical value than its place in the calendar.

In my entire life, 2010 has been one of the most colorful years, if not the most. Frankly, I frequently wished for this year to end already. There are no pinewood trophies for this year, but unforgettable events were a plenty. This year saw me almost reached the brink of insanity, though how close I was to it I could never explain nor tell. Suffice it to say that I have been carrying crosses with me for long years already, and too early at that according to some people, and learning that my mother has cancer pushed me to despair, thinking I would never really have a comfortable life, not in this year nor in the many years ahead. The remaining hope I have was finally crushed, and there was nothing left but misery.

Eventually, I was able to surpass that desperate stage. I practically forced my tour to California and Las Vegas, lest I lose myself. It was an attempt to escape, even for a while. Truthfully, I was able to gather myself, accepting things as they are. There is really a virtue in restraint, in looking at things from a reasonable distance.

But of the whole year, there is one day I would never forget--the day I learned my mother was stricken with cancer. Up to this day, it remains as fresh as if it happened yesterday:

Fast-forward to holy week, and I was just glad I could finally rest. The whole year was so taxing, and at times, I felt like I've lost all my will and energy. This was the week I've been waiting for: the first week without school, without work.

But the holy week hadn't ended yet when I learned of the bad news. With a gloomy face, Dad asked me to come to my room, and then closed the door. I knew it was going to be a serious talk. He sat on my bed, and I sat on the sofa; we were about 5 meters away from each other. I do not like serious, sad talks. I would run away from it if I could, especially when it comes to family.

I asked Dad what it was about. “Your Mom has cancer. We just didn't tell you before because you were having your finals.” I was silent. As my father was telling me the news, his voice was breaking, the kind of voice you hear when one doesn't want to cry but he just cannot help it. Then he cried. It was the first time I saw him cry, and it was heart-breaking, like a dagger in my heart. I never wanted to see him and my mom hurt, and there he was crying in front of me. I wanted to tell him everything's gonna be alright, but I remained frozen in my seat. My own heart was exploding inside, but my face remained expressionless. I wanted to hug him, but I just couldn't move. (parts from killing me softly)

It has been a struggle since that day, a struggle in all aspects. Come January, my mother will have her last chemotherapy then radiation therapy. Afterward, she would continue taking oral chemo for 5 years. That she would complete her chemo, especially when she was diagnosed with severe depression, was a victory in itself. For that, I have the Lord and so many people to thank for. If there's one thing I am very thankful for, it is that our lives are still moving on.

There are much I would still continue wishing for this coming 2011. Specifically, I wish for health, for I and my family know its true value. I wish for wealth or at least a comfortable life. I wish for love, in all aspects of our lives. And most importantly, I wish for peace of mind. Nothing I would not give for peace of mind.

But these things depend largely on fate, or on so many other people, though I could seriously try to accomplish them all. For now, I could only wish for them and step-by-step move forward to them. For the thing "accomplishable", I would strive to pass all my law subjects. For my lifelong dream, I would still continue to dream of flying.

Note. I really wanted to do this post, but jeanny's contest realized it.

My Christmas Day

2010-12-26T18:13:00.003+08:00

We had the simplest Christmas this year ever. No, I am not complaining. In fact, I liked it that way. I liked the quietness this Christmas had. Although people would have been welcome if they knocked on our house yesterday, I appreciated the private time I had with the closest of the family. The parties leading to Christmas were far more fabulous, filled with food, beers, and games, and as always they had been fun and, well, intoxicating.

Every year, the people who come to our house have been decreasing. Probably, it started when my grandfather passed away many years ago. He had been well-loved by all his relatives, being the quiet, kind man that he was. Probably, it was because my aunt, who is miss congeniality, who lives next to our house is abroad. Probably, it was because my mother, who has always been the one in charge of entertaining visitors, is weak at this time. And probably there are other reasons. Nevertheless, it doesn't bother me. The few people who visited us here in the house were the closest and most well-meaning people. And they were the people I really want to see on Christmas day.

My mother cooked her specialty, her infamous spaghetti. The immediate members of the family shared that during breakfast, without much interruption. There were no kids running around whom we never actually know. My father's coffee and my mother's spaghetti---I had the best breakfast in the whole year. If there's a xerox toner who could replicate yesterday, I would have replicated it over and over again.

After breakfast, we had a video call with my aunt and cousin abroad. Living in Qatar, they also have a quiet Christmas there, and they were missing the family over here so much. For now, the video call would suffice. Being a Filipino and a Catholic, my aunt also prepared food for her family there, along with some Filipino friends, to celebrate Christmas day.

The highlight of the day was when Keng, the little girl in the post below, appeared in the terrace while we were all resting dressed up like a princess, with matching headdress. We are all crazy about her, to say the least, especially because we only get to be with her during this holiday season. When she and her family left at about 2 pm, we had our lunch.

For our lunch, we had the most delicious kare-kare in the whole world, cooked by my mother. Afterward, we just spent the day in the house in the most relaxed manner. As for me, I am just grateful I have my family with me on Christmas day.

the different faces of keng

2010-12-25T11:33:00.007+08:00

If there's anything that makes Christmas special, it's Keng. Anyone with a baby in the house, a child or a niece or a godchild, would understand this light feeling, like floating in the air. Every movement is a wonderful surprise. Everything she sees is a discovery. =)

Most of the time, she likes playing doctor. She has her stethoscope and would listen to our heartbeat one by one. She actually knows how to say "inhale" and "exhale", with matching holding her breath. At other times, she just wants to try different things. Indoor or outdoor lighting, she's just fabulous in the camera.

hello, mommy?

busy with work? eric's just watching over "baby"

baby, it's the guitar girl

female Potter

the time of her life

happy =)

White Party

2010-12-23T11:01:00.014+08:00

Last Monday, our first-year block held our Christmas party. Now, we belong to different sections, so bonding moments like this one were cherished moments. We were all excited to be together again, and luckily, all of us were game in all the parlor games and photo-ops. That we all enjoyed the party was unmistakable in our faces, both from our pictorials (feeling models kami!) and candid photos from the best hidden camera photographers among us!

I wonder why people who like taking and posing for pictures flock together. haha. Before all the people arrived, we the early birds decided to pose for the camera. We searched all the studio-like places in the gazebo and posed there. We also did gay-lesbian-lovers pictures, though the pictures wouldn't really pass for real. haha.

waiting for others

when we were still sober

feeling lesbians haha

which two are gays?

party time!

photos after ping, pong, pang game

beer drinking contest

group pictures

And while most were drunk, the cameras continue on clicking, catching our insanity through their spy camera and freezing the memories i.n time. We would have died laughing if the Twister game had not ended (ehem.. nanalo ako!).

We all had our heyday that night. We started with smiles, continued on with giggles, and ended with laughters. I planned on going home earlier that night, but none of us actually went home until 4 a.m. Celebrations like this are addicting, especially when you're people you missed almost the whole year. Until next year! =)

going italian

2010-12-22T18:38:00.004+08:00

After our sumptuous lunch in John and Yoko, we indulged ourselves to sweets at Caffe Ti-Amo, also in Greenbelt 5, famous for its Italian coffee and gelato. It was my first time to taste and learn how to consume Affogato, ignorant as I am when it comes to food other than Filipino and English. I ordered Affogato with Tiramisu gelato. It was two thumbs up! It wasn't too costly (unlike a term life insurance), so one can treat herself to this heaven once in a while. =)

Step 1. Choose your gelato. When you looked having difficulty choosing, the staff would ask you if you want a free taste, as she asked me. haha. I chose Tiramisu.

Step 2. Pour the nuts.

Step 3. Pour the coffee.

Step 4. Devour. =)

turning japanese

2010-12-22T17:36:00.011+08:00

Last Monday, our office had our Christmas lunch at John and Yoko, Greenbelt 5. Thank goodness my officemates suggested that resto. I had been craving for Japanese since my failed attempt to dine at Yakimix, also in Greenbelt, due to the horrendous long line of reservations. John and Yoko had been described as a Japanese-inspired Filipino food. The food was great, but I can't say the same as to the price. Well, I guess it's not your everyday restaurant (it's like cancer from Mesothelioma, only it's in your pocket!).

California Maki Salad

Tuna Sashimi

Shrimp and Enoki Pizza

(forgot the name! haha)

Tempura

Beef Teppan (my order!)

Tribeca Salmon

Japaelia

For prices, click here.

Keng's Back in Pinas

2010-12-19T16:28:00.008+08:00

After a year of waiting, my niece Keng is back in the country. She and her parents only come home for Christmas, as they live in Qatar. She has grown so much. At 3 years old, she's as big as maybe a girl about 6 years old. She's still as lovely as ever. With all her pretty evening dresses and cute outfits, she never fails to charm anyone.

Keng with Santa.

She was scaring everyone with this spider. Brave little girl.

She's cute when she's making faces.

Ian and I brought her to the mall. She absolutely enjoyed seeing many things and playing around. She's very hard to carry though. Still, I and Ian were her willing victims, carrying her around like a sack of rice. =)

She looks at things with such curiosity.

Like her father, she likes cars. She even knows how to shift gears!

She absolutely loves playgrounds and playmates!

Eric's Graduation Party

2010-12-19T14:14:00.005+08:00

After Eric graduating with honors (from cancer), of course, there should be a celebration! It was not the typical food-and-drinks party, but it was what we truly enjoyed. We weren't dressed in fancy rocawear, but we're definitely dressed to have fun. =)

after playing beinte-uno

We were all enthusiastic playing beinte-uno. Eric could barely throw the ball a meter away from him, but he sure enjoyed trying to shoot that ball haha. He would also play defense whenever his Dikong Eduard has the ball. Interestingly, he never put down the rubix cube while we were playing ball. He kept on showing it to me throughout the game, in a super excited manner, though he never really formed a pattern. haha.

Eric and Eduard in the slide

After playing in the basketball court, we proceeded to the playground. At first, I was afraid Eric might fall while climbing the stairs of the slide, but he was really energetic and climbed up and slid down numerous times nonstop. He also enjoyed the photo-op in the playground. =)

We only stopped playing after we were already too tired and hungry, and after it had become truly a day to remember.

there's something about Santa

2010-12-18T15:02:00.000+08:00

If there's one thing that made my birthday, it's Santa. He has always been a very adorable figure for me, and I have always wanted to have his figure in our house. I wouldn't want his distinct white mustache, big bell, and red robe any other way. I wouldn't want a thin Santa under lipofuze or a pretty boy in flashy clothes. He's the perfect figure as he is. It brings delight to the atmosphere (at least to me) to have him the house a hundred times more. =)

I couldn't contain my happiness just by looking at these two Santas that I was finally able to buy. What's best, I got them both at a bargain price. =)

Christmas would be merrier now Santa's around!

isang alamat

2010-12-17T09:08:00.004+08:00

If there's one friend I am super proud of, it's eks. He's very skillful and intelligent. At his early 20s, he already became our copy-editing manager. When he was still a student in UP, he already held various interesting jobs, none of which I could have gotten (even now) had I tried. He knows a lot about technology and science without formal education and speaks of free website directory and Steve Jobs like a household name.

More than that, he's ultra nice. Really nice to a fault. He couldn't lift a finger to hit a fly. He's Mr. Congeniality and so much more. He's everybody's friend, and I am lucky to be one of his closest.

Yet again, he made another remarkable achievement*. He has helped Pier Roxas found his missing days. Congrats, eks! Isa kang alamat!

*Out of about a thousand entries, his story, and eventually his short film Phobia, topped the nationwide Nokia N8 Pier Roxas contest!

time well spent

2010-12-14T11:40:00.001+08:00

The good thing about the second semester is you get to rest for a while during Christmas break. Of course, there are still much case digests to do, enough to occupy your time the rest of the period if you are diligent about them. For now, I am just glad I'd be away from that library barcode scanner and calculating eyes of professors.

But 2 weeks is so short such that it should be time well spent, whatever "spending time well" means for you. One may choose either to be productive, or be relaxed, or a combination of both. I have no plans yet for this period. But my niece Keng is in the country for a short while, so playing with her is a top priority. Other than that, I have no idea how to spend the holidays. In any case, I'll try to make this 2 weeks time well spent alone, with friends, with family.

with honors

2010-12-12T20:44:00.004+08:00

Didn't we all look forward to our graduation? First, it was because it meant end of our tests and hardships in school. Second, and most especially, it was because it was a step further toward our goal, presumably a comfortable, blessed life.

And that was what precisely, and with much more meaning, what happened yesterday. Yesterday, the Philippine Children's Medical Center held a celebration for the children who succesfully finished all the chemotherapy sessions and other treatments. Eric graduated, not from school, but from being a cancer patient. He has surpassed all those intravenous treatments and awfully painful bone marrow tests. He has passed the stage of not being able to walk and eat and talk. In that hospital of metal building and then seemingly lonely walls, along the way, many children did not make it. One day, you just see them playing just beside Eric's bed; the next day, they're gone. Thankfully, because Eric is a fighter, with an iron will of a child to go on, he survived his leukemia. He was diagnosed when he was 4; now he was 7 and very active.

When he arrived in my place, he was really excited to show me all the gifts he got from the people and foundations who supported these kids with cancer, along with actors, singers, and politicians. He got two bags of toys and school stuff and waited for me before he would open his huge gift-wrapped box (inside was an educational toy). But he was super proud when he showed me perhaps his most precious gift of all...to all of us.

Graduating with honors, I am pretty sure Eric will have a more comfortable, blessed life. =)

Why is Santa adorable?

2010-12-02T09:37:00.001+08:00

Santa is adorable because he promises kids gifts, and the kids get gifts during Christmas days. He seldom (or no longer) surprises adults with gifts of acne pills, or celphones, or ipod, or kindle, probably because he has already too much to carry for the kids, not to mention being expensive.

When I was young, Santa would leave a note on my chalkboard, telling me to be a good girl. And I would run to my parents and tell them Santa left me a letter. The handwriting though seemed familiar. Nah. Maybe not. The one Christmas, Santa gave kuyang so many gifts, one a robot I think, and I frowned because Santa only gave me money (though they were really crispy!). But I was wrong. Daddy found another gift for me and a bag of chocolates under our vase. It was hidden so we didn't see it right away. Whew!

Now, Santa no longer gives me gifts. But I still thank him for all those he had given me through the years. Now, Santa is adorable because he looks like the kind grandparent who spoils his grandkids but still tells them to be good. Santa is adorable because he's chubby and huggable. Santa is arorable because he has reindeers. Santa is adorable because he travels on sleigh up in the air. Santa is adorable because he has a contagious laughter. Santa is adorable because he lets children know that their wishes can come true, if only they would be good boys and girls.

Right now, remembering Santa, I am actually smiling. Because Santa is so adorable!!!

crazy about Keng

2010-12-02T09:35:00.000+08:00

Every year, kuyang and her wife and lovely, lovely child go home for Christmas from Qatar. Since the start of the year, we have always been dreaming of my niece Keng's return. She's that little girl from my stories of Christmas last year who makes my heart melt when she smiles.

She's only 3, but she's a big girl. And dresses for a 5-year-old no longer fit her. haha. She embraces you when she thinks you are mad at her, and she steals kisses from youjust because she wants to. She's very sweet. She's very active though, running around everywhere! She's curious about everything, even how to pop a pimple from my face! And if you really follow her around, you'll be racing for breath in no time.

All year-round, my father and I talk of her. My father is crazy about her. He actually is the one who can make her sleep, and sometimes she sleeps for the night beside my father when kuyang and his wife would go out at night. He prepares her milk. He also prepares her bath in our big drum so she could swim there. haha. Of all of us, he is the most patient with her. He can make her giggle hard. When Keng was with other relatives, my father would wait for her, sometimes asking me to check if she has already come back home to our house. It makes me smile looking at them, remembering that father also did all that to me when I was a child.

Now she's coming back home. And I can't wait to kiss her, and hug her, and carry her, and play with her. And my father is doubly excited.

For Your Birthday, Mother

2010-12-01T07:51:00.005+08:00

Dear Mother,

For your birthday, I only wish for your strength. I know these are really tough times for the family, especially for you. But you have always been the strong one. You have a dominant personality that we repel, and yet this time, I truly hope you be that imposing woman again. Tell your cancer cells to go away, and I bet it would.

For your birthday, I only wish for your peace of mind. The storm is passing in our lives, but as all storms, this one shall pass. Know that in all these things, I am with you. Daddy is with you. Lola is with you. Mama is with you. And the kids have always been praying for you. We love you, and there is nothing more we want, nothing more, than for you to get well. I know all these plasil, and emodan, and conjugated linoleic acid, and norvasc, and a whole range of medicines are making you nauseous, but Mommy, just a little more. I would take these all for you if I could, but I couldn't. So just a little more. Know in your heart that you will be healed. And that there is someone in the stars guiding our lives.

For your birthday, I only wish for your understanding and acceptance. It must be really hard to accept that an illness as serious as this one comes to you. But it's already there, and there is not much we can do but to fight this one. Know that in all your struggles, this one and all that will come, I am with you. Daddy is with you. Lola is with you. Mama is with you. And the kids have always been praying for you. There must be a reason, Mother. Look inside, there must be. After this fight, we're going to face a better life---the best life I can give for all of you.

And for your birthday, Mother, I wish you could have a better daughter. I know I am the cold one, and I wish I could just give you this letter. I wonder why I could tell everyone I care, when I could not tell it to you. For now, I just hope that through my actions, I can let you know that I too am scared, that I love you, and that I will always be here for you. I know somehow you can see it, and you know it, but I still hope I could be a better daughter for you.

Happy birthday, Mother.

Love,
Anak

angels on earth

2010-11-24T07:31:00.004+08:00

If there's anything good that came out of my mother's sickness: We found kind, goodhearted, and caring persons.

First, there is Kyle. He was working at the SM Supermarket where my mother and father always go. Through the years, he developed an affinity and attachment with my mother, and my mother treats him like a pamangkin. When he found out that my mother became sick with cancer, he really felt sad. One day, he offered that he would just take care of my mother. Before the family could insist that he should just stay put in his work, having really no other means of subsistence, he resigned from work. Thereafter, he came home with my parents to the province and took care of my mom. With his gay lingo, he makes my mother laugh. (Eventually, he got closer to my grandmother and stayed her for a while, before going back to Manila to work again.)

Then, there's my friend's mother who instructed her daughter to deposit money to my account without telling me. She knew that these were hard times for the family, and despite her own expenses, she saved some for me. Actually, she volunteered once to help me in the finances things with money she could spare and asked for my account number. I respectfully declined her offer, knowing she too has expenses of her own.

Then, there's the wife of my father's brother. Despite the loneliness of leaving her household for a few days, including her 7-year-old daughter, she would still accompany my mother during her chemotherapy sessions. Knowing that my mother is scared every time, she was there to prepare my mother's meals when she's sick in body and offer words of comfort when she's sick in heart.

Then, there's my father's sister. Despite being used to not staying at home and busying herself with the activities in the community (she's single), she willingly came with my father to Manila to help out in household things and again, in taking care of my mother. She patiently endured the boredom through several days, cracking jokes now and then, with the obvious effort to make my mother laugh.

And there's many more. Such good memories these people bring to my family, and I would keep them in this digital frame. They and the good deeds they bring would forever be remembered. It's a reminder that life is not so bad after all.

the dividing line

2010-11-19T07:38:00.004+08:00

Being a student in a school in Mendiola, I have witnessed many rallies already, much more than I have seen when I was an undergraduate in UP. In fact, there had been so many, the rallies have lost appeal, not only to Malacanang but also to the common people. Students pass by the rallies sometimes not even with a second's pause to listen at the speech or to even just look at the crowd.

Recently, a huge gate has been constructed in the Mendiola arch, effectively dividing the schools (and the gateway to Malacanang) from the rally. Also, and more importantly, the police force no longer has to form the human barrier with their shields, effectively minimizing violence between the police and the rally crowd.

Since the Aquino administration, I noticed that the policemen are more "cool" in handling the rally. Just this week, I took the time to listen to the ever-emotional-and-ever-angry speech of the rally leader while I was drinking gulaman on the other side of the gate. There were only a few people in the rally, and there were also few policemen, both safe on their sides of the gate. And because these rallies are commonplace in Mendiola, the police were relaxed, smoking their cigars as if there's a cigar auction from the vendors, eating siomai and fishball bought from the food carts, and conversing with each other as if no rally was happening on the other side of the gate.

The students treated that day like any normal day, while the speaker encouraged the students not to go to class and join the rally. What?!? No one joined them anyway.

I witnessed the most funny thing that day: While the crowd in the rally was chanting their usual chants, one policeman was absent-mindedly chanting with them; apparently, he has memorized the lines already. =)

P.S.
I believe in social justice. I just no longer believe in the everyday rallies. And their leaning toward (armed) revolution.

"Social justice is neither communism nor despotism nor atomism nor anarchy, but the humanization of laws and the equalization of social and economic forces of the State."

Impossible is Manny

2010-11-17T09:18:00.003+08:00

A friend said that if you are a Filipino AND a blogger, you need to make a mandatory congratulatory post to Manny Pacquiao... haha. I also admire his skills, anyway, so here's my mandatory post. =)

Congratulations, Pacman! And thank you for, more than anything else, being an inspiration. Truly, like what Adidas said, impossible is nothing. (Manny said: Just do it! LOL)

Photo from the web

Out of all the pictures I can find, I like this best. Of course, we should also recognize the man behind his success--coach Freddie Roach. Ultimately, I like this picture best because it makes Manny looks like an actor in a photo shoot, and Manny likes showbiz. =)

Like Mommy D, I also hope he retires already. He has achieved so much, it scares me if he loses one fight. But of course, whatever he likes!

(In his fight with Margarito, the Mexican was beaten badly, he needed to undergo facial surgery, not just to have an acne treatment, but to fixed a broken orbital bone!)

on top of the world

2010-11-10T14:54:00.009+08:00

Just this past summer, I stayed for several days in Las Vegas. Of course, my very gracious host accompanied me to several of the casino hotels in The Strip, even those in Arizona. I just wanted to see the life and lights of Las Vegas, though I never really liked casinos. Caesar's Palace, Mirage, Bellagio, The Venetian Resort, MGM, and the other hotels in The Strip are really as grand as they are in the movies--just like that in Ocean's Eleven. I have no better photos than those already much circulated in the magazines and the net.

As the casino hopping had been becoming tiresome and boring, I chanced upon something that ultimately made my Las Vegas experience worth remembering. As I was walking through the Stratosphere casino floor alone, leaving my companions in their slot machines, I saw these posters of exciting rides at the very top of the hotel. And of course, after about a minute of inquiry with the hotel staff, I bought my tickets and proceeded to what would be a memorable day. I just love rides!

Thee are three rides available and 1 SkyJump, and you can buy them separately or you can buy them together. For a time, I fooled myself that I was actually thinking to try just one. Of course, I bought Tower Admission + 3 Rides, prized at $29.95. I already tried SkyJump in Macau, so I let the idea of trying it there go. Besides, as in my jump in Macau Tower, this was not also part of the budget!

The italicized font is from the hotel's website. The words in Roman font are my comments! Photos without links are mine as well.

X-Scream

Ever played on a giant teeter-totter, 866 feet above the ground? With the X-Scream, you can! Its space age, yet simplistic design resembles a massive teeter-totter or a Vegas rollercoaster unlike any other ever seen. X-Scream propels you and several other riders headfirst, 27 feet over the edge of the Stratosphere Casino, Hotel & Tower. Try not to scream when you go over the edge — you don't want to scare the other riders! After being shot over the edge, you'll dangle weightlessly above the Las Vegas Strip before being pulled back and propelled over again for more.

This one scared me, like stomach fat burning! I imagined us falling over the edge. And it seemed a near possibility then. I almost chickened out! When the ride was headfirst, angled downward, My knees were really about to shake, and my nervousness seemed growing when they let us in that position with what seemed an eternity!

Photo from the web

Big Shot

Strap into the Big Shot and prepare to be shot 160 feet in the air at 45 miles per hour as you overlook the majestic Las Vegas Valley. In a matter of seconds, the Big Shot thrill ride catapults 16 riders from the 921-foot high platform up the Tower's mast to a height of 1,081 feet and down again. Before you catch your breath, you'll be shot back up again at forces unmatched by other Vegas thrill parks! Experience a gut-wrenching four 'G's of force on the way up, and feel negative 'G's on the way down as your legs dangle in the Las Vegas skyline.

I think the little silvery color at the top is where the ride is.
Photo from the web

I took the picture immediately above before my turn. I removed my slippers before I took the ride. Baka liparin, mahirap habulin! Haha. This ride is not that exciting. Just like the rides in other theme parks.

Insanity

Insanity the Ride is a truly mind-bending experience! A massive mechanical arm extending out 64 feet over the edge of the Stratosphere Tower at a height of over 900 feet, this Vegas ride will spin you and several other passengers in the open air at speeds of up to three 'G's. You'll be propelled up to an angle of 70 degrees, which will tilt your body into one position — straight down! If you're brave enough to keep your eyes open you'll be rewarded with a breathtaking view of historic downtown Las Vegas. Experience Insanity and walk away to tell the tale!

Took this before my turn to ride. Cameras are
absolutely not allowed while in the ride.

I took the ride daytime. It's more fabulous to look at at night.
Then again, I don't think you can still enjoy the view! haha!
Photo from the web

Photo from the web

This last ride was my favorite! Of all the rides I've been through, this one actually made my knees tremble. I almost wished for the ride to be over soon. While the Insanity was spinning, with the security belts not so tight (or so I felt!), and I was seeing the bottom a thousand feet from me, and the seat was angled such that I was almost face down, the feeling was absolutely petrifying--almost insane!

farewell, NU!

2010-11-10T11:01:00.000+08:00

I thought I wasn't much affected with the going off the air of NU107.5. After all, I rarely listen to radio nowadays.

This weekend, my aunt turned on the radio to listen to music. She thought it's awfully quiet in the house, so she wanted to make it more lively. Of course, the dial of my radio was eternally tuned in to 107.5, and when she turned it on, NU was no more. It hit me: so they're really gone, eh? In the office, whenever I'm bored or when it's noisy, I just click on NU Live Access in my bookmarks toolbar, and time just passes away. When I want to just relax, sometime I just listen to NU at home. When I'm angry, I listen to NU (and it fuels my rage then calms me).

I started listening to NU when I was already in first year college. In our province, there are only 2 stations you can listen to, both local, both mainstream. In UP, I made friends with people from Manila Science High School. Whenever these MaSci people are in my car with me, they would turn the radio to NU107.5. They would not let anyone change it to a different station! (In high school, the first cassette tape I had was Evil Empire of Rage Against the Machine, and NU's playing their songs!) Since then, I never really listened to any other stations.

Last Saturday, when my aunt turned on the radio, I looked for another station I could listen to, or tolerate listening to (both the music and the annoying DJs), and there was none. I asked fellow NU listener t2rad which station he's now tuning in. Apparently, the answer is none; he now only listens from the Internet.

I love NU especially because it taught me music. I love NU because I hear songs I never really heard before, despite these songs being already "old." I love NU songs because they play the music that I like--that I can identify with.

Lat November 7, NU played its last song. Perhaps fitting for this rock station that served a generation of music lovers was its last song, Ang Huling El Bimbo from Eraserheads---the legend of Pinoy rock. People gathered in front of the station as NU signed out, wearing misses clothing, casual shorts and shirt, rocker outfit--all sorts of people who loved the station. Some held lighted candles as the last song was being played, a tribute to our mighty radio station.

For me and all these people, NU107.5 will always be The Home of NU Rock.

to be human

2010-11-09T10:16:00.002+08:00

I crave it in pain. To feel heat and cold; to know pleasure. To laugh---ah, what would it be to laugh? To dance and sing, and to see clearly through human eyes. To feel things. To exist in necessity and in emotions and in time. - Lasher, The Witching Hour

Despite all our ties and bonds, we must never forget to live, lest we forget to be human.

another start (and the day before it)

2010-11-03T07:50:00.004+08:00

I guess the sembreak is already over. I'm back to work now and will be back to school tomorrow. I can't say I do not want it to end yet, as I've kept in mind that this would only be a brief one. Nevertheless, I can't say I'm prepared for the very busy days ahead again.

Workload is pretty much stable. Law school subjects are becoming more and more uninteresting to me (not law per se), especially civil and commercial law. My mother would have to continue her chemo sessions and radiation therapy afterward, including the trips to doctors in-between. The last of the three proves to be the most taxing, the most difficult to accomplish, and the most important one. Nothing else to do but to move ahead, finish everything, and look forward to another break.

----

I spent the last day of this semester break simply and quietly, just like most of the days in the past 2 weeks. I woke up pretty late, ate breakfast/lunch, and spent the afternoon goofing around with little Eduard and Eric, after which Eric and I fell asleep in my room. Had it not been raining, we would have started arranging the Christmas decors and of course, our old Christmas tree, complete with recycled Christmas cards and fake wrapped gifts beneath it.

At around 5 pm, the kids' father picked them up, and the break ends for them then. I, together with a friend, accompanied Lola to the optical store and to an ATM. Instead of going home, Lola wanted to go see the still unfinished basilica in our city. She likes going there because the place is serene. When we got there, the place was empty, save for a priest and 4 seminarians who were about to leave. Lola proceeded to the altar and wiped the image of Jesus Christ in the crucifix with her hanky. She said she would give it to my mother so she would be healed. Afterward, we circled around the church and read the names of the deceased in the crypts, and we found a few names of people we knew. Surprisingly, that activity was relaxing (perhaps because of the quiet place and the fresh air passing through the church).

After the trip to the basilica, Lola wanted to go to the isawan owned by a friend's family, whom she holds dear. She said she missed isaw, and Alex (the owner), so she thought we better drop by before going home. So we went there, and the sight of a grandmother in a place filled mostly with young people and those drinking beer was peculiar and funny. She didn't mind though, and she just enjoyed talking to my friend. We took all our orders home (which Alex, by the way, insisted that we not pay for) and ate it there.

While eating dinner, my friend and cousin Ian watched Step Up 3. It was an enjoyable movie. At around 9:30 p.m., I was already alone in my room. I opened Anne Rice's book and continued reading until I dozed off...

of the same feather

2010-10-28T22:05:00.004+08:00

After a long while, I was able to bond again with some of my friends from my old office, starting with a little chat in my place in Manila and ending with a dinner in Makati.

So many things have changed since we started becoming friends, the most prominent of which is two of them already married each other, as a result of a whirlwind romance (ala Robin and Mariel haha). Nevertheless, the kind of conversation never changed at all. It has always been funny, always with a dose of humor. With these people, even the most serious of talks can elicit a funny line. We never get tired of talking of old television shows, and cartoons, and magical creatures, talking as if we are so old and at the same time so young. Still, we sometimes talk of politics, latest discoveries, extenze side effects, current affairs, radio personalities, and even showbiz. Everyone has a story to tell.

I guess it is true that birds of the same feather flock together. Almost all of us like rock and its variations. We enjoy the same TV shows. We (sometimes) act like children. We like reading. We love laughing. We love teasing. The list goes on and on.

The most important things is, we feel at home with each other. With them, I can be nobody else but myself. No pretensions whatsoever.

My Harry Potter Scar

2010-10-27T10:17:00.001+08:00

About 7 years ago, I was in a vehicular accident. I hit the windshield with my head, and well, both the windshield and my head didn't totally break. I guess we can call it a tie. Fortunately, in the hospital where I was immediately rushed, there was a cosmetic surgeon who sutured the wound in my head, using a hairstrand-thin strand to close up th wound. I think he did a fairly good job because the scar isn't as noticeable as it's supposed to. Still, to this day, I still have that long scar in the middle of my forehead, much like Harry Potter's.

Oftentimes, people do not notice this scar. I still get surprised whenever a friend I have known for several years would suddenly remark one day, "Oh, you have a scar in the forehead!" The place where my scar is located is rather conspicuous, and I do not know why some people would not readily notice, until I point it out to them.

But my grandmother never forgot about this scar. From the moment I had this, she insisted on me undergoing a plastic surgery, which I vehemently refused. Always, she was the one concerned with how I look. Back in college, she was the first person who took me to the derma and bought that expensive acne scar removal cream for me. She's also the one who buys all those Eskinol for Men for my male cousins during their teenaged years.

Up to now, I am quite comfortable with my scar and believe that it is already of part of me and my character. I never really harbored any anger toward that drunk driver who suddenly hit my car head-on. I took the accident rather coolly. Perhaps it's a symbol of how I survived figuratively and metaphorically, much like the baby Harry Potter survived Voldemort's attacks. As for my grandmother, she still feels sad every time she sees the scar that fate brought me. It feels like it hurt her more than it hurt me.

untimely flu

2010-10-27T08:20:00.003+08:00

Of all the days in a year, why am I sick in these few days of sembreak? When I was just trying to read and relax, I caught a flu. And the coldness here in the office is only aggravating my headache. I hope this flu gets away. I still have a week to enjoy. I think I should learn more taking those damn vitamins my mother has been shoving to me.

everybody knows her

2010-10-27T08:17:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, Lola and I went to the 2nd floor of the public market. It was my first time to go there after so many years. She insisted that we have our nails cleaned (pedicure and manicure). Neneng, the one who comes to the house to do home service, already moved some place far, so we really have to go there---to her suki.

Even before we get to the small parlor, everyone in the market is greeting her, calling her Nanay or Lola. It seemed that every tindero't tindera there know her, and she knows every one of them. When we reached the parlor, the front was already closed. Lola said to the woman in the parlor beside it, "Aba, ang agang nagsara ng matandang to ah!" It turned out, that woman was her suki's sister, and after a minute, her suki appeared. She and her daughters had to go to Bulacan, that's why they're closing early. But since Lola was a dear friend, they still accommodated me. I sat in their rustic furniture, my nails were cleaned and polished in no time.

All the time that we were there, Lola was exchanging conversations with the owner (her suki) and her daughters. It seemed they go a long way back, and Lola knows the life story of her suki's every daughter, and well, it seemed all of us her grandkids were familiar to them through her stories. They talked of people I never even heard the names of and experiences I never really knew happened. She seemed to really be the people's person.

And the best part is, she always gets discounts. :)

Because I Want To

2010-10-24T11:36:00.004+08:00

(Forgive me if all I would ever talk about for the next days is my semester break. It's just that it rejuvenates my soul I am so happy I have this break.)

It feels so refreshing having to wake up in the morning, and the sun is already up. I have less thing to worry about, except on weekdays, I just have to go to work and go home from work.

On the first (of the two) Saturday of the break, it feels good knowing that I have all day to watch my current favorite anime (Bleach) and read my favorite author until my eye drops. I had to spend a little time working online, but it's compulsory nature is not as stressful. The beautiful thing during these days of slackness is this: I am not forcing myself to do anything. Even when I'm working at home for a few hours, I am working because I want to; it's not because I have to.

A few days ago, I was talking with a friend about going to the gym or attending free weight loss programs. I am inherently lazy in doing physical work, but lately, going to the gym is becoming appealing, probably influenced by all this sickness around me. Too bad the semestral break is too short a time to indulge myself with that. But maybe in some other break, I can finally do that. Not because I have to (and I really have to), but because I want to.

read and rest

2010-10-20T08:09:00.008+08:00

The semester is finally over.

I have a 2-week break from school. Even before the semester started, I have already plans of how to spend the short break: reading the Anne Rice book I bought last summer (instead of apidexin reviews), watching DVDs, and spending time with my little cousins. If I can, I'd like to spend time in a place like this one:

This picture was taken last summer. On our way to Arizona from Las Vegas, we chanced upon this serene place. I think this was a conservation park, and they only charge about 10 dollars for each car, regardless of how many you are. The flowing water is part of the Colorado River, and it's actually clear. There were a a number of people around when we arrived to take our lunch ala picnic, and most of them came in families. There were some couples, and some even brought their jet-ski's with them. I even saw a couple playing catch with their dog. Because there were just a few people, the whole place remained peaceful.

This picture is one of my typical drawings since childhood. My favorite drawing is a mountain with a river at the bottom and a green land beside the water, with the clear blue skies as the background and a round yellow sun. Of course, there's always that big tree where I could just lay down, read and rest.

what you need

2010-10-17T09:16:00.001+08:00

Nothing beats long hours of good sleep.

When I came home after my exam yesterday, at around 6 p.m., I decided to rest a bit, before I start studying again for another exam on Monday. I switched on the TV and laid my back on the folding bed in the living room. I was contemplating on trivial things like insurance quotes and ziplines and strawberry fields. I was looking back on what-ifs. I was daydreaming... then I was already sleeping.

Now, it's 9 a.m. And I just woke up. =) It's nice to have once and a while a good, quiet, LONG rest. It's like your starting on a clean slate. Good morning!

the dilemma of a weak heart

2010-10-10T14:05:00.002+08:00

Last night was eventful in my life.

It led me to the understanding of what I already knew -- it is hard to cure a weak heart. Of course, the constantly improving fields of medicine and technology as well as industrial bearings promise cure for a weak body, or if improbable, at least alleviation of pain. But what can cure a weak heart? The constant support of people doesn't quite help as much as valium does in sleeping problems (although valium sometimes "helps" in handling pain). The companionship does not quite help treat loneliness as much as arcoxia relieves pain, albeit temporarily. Faith isn't easily infused in one's being as easily as blood is infused in one's body.

The trial in one's sickness is as much the suffering of the body as it is the suffering of the heart. But in both body and heart, although hard, there is nothing much left to do but to have continuous "medication" and "treatment" ("the fight") and of course, prayers for the body and the heart. Lots and lots of prayers.

mind power

2010-10-06T10:02:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I was left to watch over Mommy, so that Daddy could get her laboratory results from the hospital. When he got home, my father had a worried look. It turned out that my mother, who had been staying in the room all day for several days now, had a very low WBC count. Two days before, she was injected with something to boost her WBC; the doctor said that a sudden drop of her WBC is expected, hence the injections.

But her WBC still dropped big time. We immediately brought her to the hospital so she could again have the WBC-boost injection. Dad and I both tried to act cool about it, but I know, we're panicking inside.

All this time, I never really let mom's cancer to get to me, always acting cool about it. It was probably because I am constantly rejecting the idea of the sickness, believing that this is just a phase and believing, not hoping, that eventually mom will get better soon. But instances like this one shakes my resolve. It scares me and makes me think of how things can get worse. The memory of seeing my father lying unconscious on the floor one Christmas day comes flashing back. And it's destrying my shield from all these scary thoughts. If I could just find a way to forget all those unpleasant memories way back by and limit it to the good ones, I would. I hope it's as simple as using refrigerator filters or commercial dream catchers or just suppressing it. But it's not.

It's really so sad when you see a loved one really sick. It's more depressing when the trauma from the past is coming back. I am again practicing my poker face. I am just trying to think that, after all we went through when it was my father who was really sick, he survived it...we survived it. I hope there is really power in the mind and strength in one's will.

the end of another chapter

2010-10-04T09:59:00.006+08:00

The most difficult part of the semester -- the finals week -- will start next week. It would have been this week if not for the gruesome, despicable blast during the salubong, injuring many of our school's students.

As all regular students, I am yet to be prepared for this. The periodic rains the past weeks have thrown me into a rather gloomy mood, losing drive for pretty much everything. I rarely go to class the past 3 weeks, so I missed out A LOT. I need to catch up double time lest I'd be dead, and how to get rid of acne would be the least of my concerns.

But I have been looking forward to this. I can't wait for this semester to be over, hopefully, wonderfully over. I can't wait to start another semester, and another, and another. The lingering uncertainty still lies whether I could still continue law school this semester, with ALL things factored in. Even if I couldn't, this semester has been a damn hard, but good one. I have a lineup of powerhouse professors, including two deans, and I have met pretty good new classmates. Again, even if I couldn't continue next semester, I am happy I was able to fight for this one.

P.S.
Thanks to my prayer warriors kg and PJVP. To eks for his unfaltering support, in every sense of the word. To lola, for everything. As always, you people are the best.

P.P.S.
I need your prayers and support again for the coming finals! =)

silent movie

2010-09-29T21:08:00.004+08:00

Earphones plugged into my ears, with sounds resonating in my head while shutting out every noise around me, the world through my eyes looked like a silent movie in a giant screen.

I can hear neither the voices of people nor the noise of the streets. It seemed like a fast-paced surreal scene, where people everywhere move about, exchanging glances with strangers who disappear just as they came.

I saw a young pedicab driver adoringly holding the hands of a lady his age, sitting comfortably in the pedicab. The boy wore a knee-length shorts and a white shirt turned dull by the dust. The girl wore skimpy shorts and a colorful tight sando. They must have been teasing each other, for such grins on their faces only appear to those young at heart.

Then there was this long-haired teenaged girl wearing the white uniform of what could only be a science profession. She had that arching eyebrows of a supladita I so wanted to have and a distant face indifferent to the world around her. She walked fast but with grace; she walked with grace, but she walked alone.

Waiting to cross the streets, I looked at the approaching vehicles of different colors and makes, all devoid of sound. I imagined myself crossing as they approach and wondered how it feels to be hit by one of them. Curiosity. Without sound, they are not as scary.

As I went inside the school, the lack of people was unmistakable. The loud sounds continue to thump on and on. Without words spoken, the gloomy mood abound, the inescapable result of the rather incomprehensible violence that injured innocent students---that seriously injured female students. The air was filled with cries for justice, but the smell of terror of what had happened was distinct in the air.

Inside the jeepney, the music was inconsiderately loud. So loud I could no longer hear the loud music from my earphones. It shattered the silence around me; it destroyed my thoughts, just like that.

Some people, or some things, are just bound to destroy one's silent life.

sumptuous lunch

2010-09-22T11:20:00.002+08:00

Wuhoo! It's our company's second-year anniversary, and because of that, the boss' is treating us at an Italitan restaurant here in Makati...this lunch! =)

It is actually the first time that the company I am working for is treating me to a fine dining. In my old company, the copy editing department had been treated for a box of pizza after accomplishing a tremendous workload, and well, it actually came from Sir B's and Sir P's pockets, NOT from the company.

Oh, well. There lies the beauty of a small company. Of course, the big ones also have their perks, but for now, I enjoy the intimacy and the delicacy that come with my office now. =) I am planning to eat a lot, totally disregarding my already bulging tummy and the best fat burning exercises my friends insist on me. It's so happy eating!

I have one problem though. I couldn't understand the menu! har har har!

baby boom!

2010-09-21T22:06:00.003+08:00

baby boom - a marked rise in birthrate (as in the United States immediately following the end of World War II)

And as in the end of World War II, our section in law school is also having a baby boom! Perhaps it just feels odd because we're still in school, but when you think about it, a person who already graduated, according to our old customs, can already start a family. Haven't we heard, "makatapos ka lang ng pag-aaral, pwede ka ng mag-asawa!" so many times from parents?

This semester, there are two preggies (one of whom just gave birth last week) and one whose girlfriend is pregnant (who gave birth yesterday!). So we have three would-be parents this semester. I admire them for still continuing law school despite the pregnancy, especially the two girls. I know there are months that are most difficult for them, and yet they have surpassed all that while dealing with the stress of law school. On top of our law books, they were reading top 10 prenatal vitamins and child-rearing books. They were preparing for their coming baby and going on checkups and such. Ang galing nila! Besides, they look glowing. =)

This baby boom in our class enlightens all our mood. Whenever we talk about the coming babies, we all get excited, especially when talking about baby names! Next semester, we'd be talking about their toddlers. =)

hand talk

2010-09-20T21:41:00.007+08:00

Whew! Today, I accomplished a great feat---I finished handwriting 114 pages of case digests! *bow*

Just this afternoon, I was desperate that I would not be able to finish it on time. I could not help but blame everything for it. I thought of how my grade school teacher should have corrected the way I hold a pen; perhaps, it would not hurt as bad when writing long pages. I blamed the invention of the typewriter (and text messages) for people's overreliance on machines that we detest writing by hand, et cetera, et cetera. But of course, there is only me to blame. :) The project was given since June, and the crammer that I am, I started working on it just this Sunday. haha. So who suffered? I did... rather, my right hand did!

Just imagine writing by hand for 20 hours straight, until 330 a.m., then sleeping until 6 a.m., and then handwriting again up to 430. I never even got the chance to each lunch! Darn... Just when I was craving for the buttered rice that I asked my father to prepare for me! It felt like my hand wanted to bleed, but it just did not. haha. Honestly, it really hurts a lot, up to now, and all I want is to stay away from a ballpen (not an eczema treatment or a hand massage). When I look at my right hand now, it seemed to have grown 10 years older than my left hand. haha. I am just so happy it's over!!!

At around 11 pm, I was already tired, but my hands did not hurt much. I used a Panda ballpen. I realized it is more dependable than the other, more expensive brands. It doesn't blot easily. Notice that I don't know how to hold a pen properly (hence, the ugly handwriting....joke!)

At 1 a.m., I have added 2 more band-aids to my aching hand to lessen the friction between the ballpen and my skin and to prevent calluses. I always wear band-aid in my middle finger whenever I write, a habit I formed in law school. It feels like I absorb more whenever I do that. :D

At 3:30 a.m., I could no longer force my hand to write! Even the bandages were already worn-out! So I retired for the night, and started writing again from around 7 a.m. to 430 p.m. I was 15 minutes close to missing the deadline. Whew! This will never happen again! EVER!

There goes the story of my hardworking right hand. Yung left hand tatamad-tamad. :p

conversation piece

2010-09-15T15:26:00.003+08:00

Last weekend, I was talking to a girl 4 years younger than I am. She is pregnant.

We aren't really that close, so we had nothing much to talk about. I only knew her recently through his boyfriend, who is my friend. The two of them attended my grandmother's birthday party. At around 11 p.m., I noticed that she's already sleepy, so I looked for her boyfriend to tell him that she seemed already bored and that maybe he should take her home. As he was still discussing something with my cousin, he told me, "chikahin mo muna."

So I went back to our table and started asking about her pregnancy. I realized it was kinda weird that we were talking about pregnancy when all I could really tell her were hearsays and stories from others. On the other hand, of course, she was talking from experience. It was a rather serious talk, not like the usual showbiz chikas, Black Friday collections, or the latest events in our friends' lives. She was talking about "mommyhood," while I was talking about, well, "tita-hood".

It's not that I already want to have a kid of my own. I am far from being ready for that and now isn't really a good time to have one. I guess it's just that more and more people I know are starting their own families, even this girl 4 years younger than I am. Conversations have been changing, and I wonder if there would come a time that I could no longer relate.

live to fight another day

2010-09-09T08:16:00.004+08:00

Still a month to go, and it already feels that the semester is over, even if the most difficult part is yet to come.

Perhaps the emotion is one not of excitement but that of relief. I have started the school year seriously hesitating to enroll, if not for the pang of sadness that struck my grandmother's face when I told her so. I convinced myself that, perhaps, my pursuit of law is my pursuit of justice for my existence. But really, it's simple: it is my dream.

I remembered last January, when I just could not lock all the strong emotions inside anymore -- the sadness, the loneliness, the regret, the helplessness, the confusion, and the hopelessness -- I went to see the school's guidance counselor. Normally, I would laugh at the idea of talking to someone you barely know. Then again, I do not want to "talk" to people I know. I just don't feel like sharing.

I found myself in her green study room after class. She had a very kind face and seemed eager to listen. After her first question, it was probably, "what's wrong?" I couldn't answer for a minute or two. I did not know where to start, or how to start. After my first sentence, tears started flowing. I just went on and on. Before I realized it, almost an hour had already passed. She seemed genuinely concerned for my being (or she just had a very good training on psychology) and advised me to postpone law school. She said she always tell students not to give up, not to drop, and to just pursue law school as much as they can. But she said, she had to say otherwise in my case. She feared that my body would just break down one day, especially my mind. I could always come back to school when things aren't as hard as they are now, she said

The cliche is right. I actually felt "lighter" after talking to that wonderful woman. Obviously, I did not heed her advice, but I am just thankful she listened to me. Now, the semester is again almost over, after several plans of dropping, and I already feel relief that I could finish this one. I guess I live to fight another day.

time is of the essence

2010-09-03T08:16:00.003+08:00

Time is of the essence...*

...such that in a highly populated urban city, people roam the streets, 24 hours a day. In the morning, we walk fast, almost running, never stopping to look around and only moving toward our offices, lest we get late and face the fury of the boss. We are always in a constant hurry. We have to be at fastfood before 12 noon before the line gets long. We have to eat fast so we can come back to our offices on time. After office, we have to run to get into the already-moving-away bus. Sometimes we feel like a robot; but sometimes still, we feel so alive.

And sometimes we miss out on little details and important things, the so-called simple joys of life. The Panerai clock is ticking, and yes, we've met all the deadlines. We have survived it all. But when we look back, we realize, "time is of the essence, why have i wasted it so?"

*and life is a compromise.

lowering expectations

2010-08-27T14:07:00.003+08:00

Every year, I wish that I could buy myself something grand for Christmas. It's sort of something to look forward to after a year of hardwork and a motivation to earn for that thing. One Christmas, I bought a 32-inch flatscreen TV, which now has a much depreciated value. Another Christmas, I bought myself a camera, after browsing through all camera reviews. After consultations with friends, I got myself a Canon digicam.

In recent years though, I haven't been able to achieve my grand wishes for myself. And though I still celebrate a nice Christmas with family, I only disappoint myself for getting myself nothing. So now, I have decided to aim for something much simpler (that foot spa machine from Watson's, prized at 1 thousand). Though it isn't as grand, at least it would make me happy, and the price won't depreciate that much. :)

And this year, I would never disappoint myself on Christmas day.

Opportunity of a Lifetime

2010-08-27T10:37:00.003+08:00

My officemate has resigned. He will be leaving for Europe in 2 weeks. He got himself a scholarship for a year to 3 European cities in biogenetics, I think. All has been paid for by the grantor organization, except maybe for NC short term health insurance. He will also be given allowances and places to stay, which he said is enough for his stay in Europe. Well, everything is expensive in Europe, from our perspective, so to have "enough" there is probably more than one could ask for.

Our CEO does not want him to leave. He is good in this medical writing field we are in. He probably is a good doctor, if only he would practice. So, he was offered a 1-year scholarship in the States, also in a medical field. He respectfully declined the offer because he might not get the course that he wants there.

The funny thing is he still wants to be back in this office. He said he'd apply again next year once he's back in the country. I don't know what to make of it. I felt like he already has his opportunity of a lifetime, yet in his mind, this one here is his gold find.

Whatever it is, I wish him the time of his life. And for us all, I hope we also get our opportunity of a lifetime!

settled

2010-08-23T15:32:00.004+08:00

Because I would transfer again to another apartment, my fourth in Metro Manila, the wishful idea of having my own apartment/condo/house again lingers in my mind. Of course, nothing beats the idea of paying for something every month that is truly yours.

I remembered sheng's stories of little by little completing their new house, their own house. I can feel the hard work needed and the joy of seeing your dream come to life. I have been to eks new house, and it's such a serene, lovely place, like the place is always on vacation mode. I am happy for them, and I am taking inspiration from these people.

And if I get my own, I would never have to transfer apartment ever again.

Sarap lang mangarap. :)

do you believe in second chances?

2010-08-18T15:20:00.002+08:00

Do you believe in second chances?

This week seemed to have a theme of second chances---at least in the old movies I've watched this week.

In our theology class, we've watched probably a 1990s movie starring the young Robert Downey. He could see 4 dead but friendly people who had watched him and grow. All 4 died in a vehicular accident, but they did not fly to heaven right away. They had unfinished business to attend to. The living Robert Downey was instrumental in accomplishing all they needed to do---returning a stolen stamp, singing in front of a crowd, looking for children left behind, and returning an unrequited love. Their deaths were abrupt, they never had the chance to do all these. No amount of riches left to family or health insurance quotes matter when you suddenly lost the chance to live your life. Thanks to their young, living friend, somehow they got a "second chance" and do whatever their heart's desire. And they all took the bus to heaven smiling.

The next movie is The Lovely Bones (starring Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz). It was a story of 14-year-old girl murdered, and the story was recounted by Susie, the dead girl, herself. The film was surreal, and I especially like it for its "dreamy" scenes. Susie died the day when the love of her life finally asked her out. She never even experienced the bliss of the first kiss. The second chance in the story lies not in the life of Susie, but on the life of her family. Her father became obsessed in capturing her murderer, it eventually led to the breaking up of their family. Susie's mother couldn't really cope with her death and her husband's obsession, she had to leave their home. But eventually, she came back. Their home was rebuilt, and they all had another chance to life.

I was slipping away, that's what it felt like, life was leaving me, but I wasn't afraid; then I remembered: "There was something I was meant to do; somewhere I was meant to be."

Susie must have described the feeling well. I hope all of us would never come to that point. I hope we never get a second chance---because we would get it right the first time.

I particularly like this poem from Susie's love:

If I had but an hour of love
If that be all that is given me
An hour of love upon this earth
I would give my love to thee.

Letters from John

2010-08-18T08:05:00.005+08:00

I heard a rather interesting news today. It's about a letter 34 years late.

A then 21 year old aspiring British Folk Singer, Steve Tilston, gave an interview in 1971 to the now defunct “Zigzag” music magazine and expressed his fears that fame and fortune could ruin his career and personality.

Little did he know that the late Beatle, John Lennon, read the article and scribed a handwritten letter to him giving brotherly advise that material wealth would not change whatever he felt inside

Lennon wrote: "Being rich doesn't change your experiences in the way you think. The only difference, basically, is that you don't have to worry about money - food - roof etc. But all other experiences - emotions - relationships - are the same as (anybody's). know, I have been rich and poor and so has Yoko (rich - poor - rich). So, whatya think of that. Love John and Yoko." He ended by including his home phone number.

I can only imagine Tilston's frustration. Imagine a rock god writing you a letter, personally and with his phone number! A man who had been eternally hounded by die-hard fans!

Personally, reading this one-paragraph letter provided me with a new perspective. Though I've never really thought about it, I think, subconsciously, I expect more depth from artists who have experienced poverty. But hey, John has a point. Whether we bathe in jacuzzi tubs or in the polluted, dying Pasig river, we basically share the same pains of a lost of a loved one or the angsts of a convoluted society, if we care enough. But of course, some of life's trials can only be deeply understood through experience.

The letter was sent to Zigzag magazine’s office but it never reached Tilston. It was only in 2005 that he saw the letter, now valued at US$11,000 in the hands of an American collector who sought verification of its authenticity. It is only now that Lennon’s widow, Yoko Ono, gave a confirmation.

"It was so frustrating because Lennon even included his home phone number on the top of the letter," said a now 60-year-old Tilston. "I know it's silly but I wanted to ring him up across the ages." Tilston added he "felt rather angry to start with to think that someone had just sold the letter rather than passing it on to me, but you have to let these things go.

Legends really have a way of coming back to life, don't they? After all these years, John Lennon is still the talk of the town.

under the bright blue sky

2010-08-13T10:05:00.004+08:00

Staring blankly at the bright blue sky from this Ayala building, I can't help but think that I want to be somewhere else. Under the vastness of this bright blue sky, I am thinking, why am I here in this place?

Of course, I know the answer. It has always been that practical answer. Still, there are times when you envy people who have that dream job, or at least a job that they enjoy. The truth is I shouldn't be complaining at all. I have a relaxed environment at work, accommodating bosses who aren't around to watch you all the time, and relatively good compensation. In fact, I am lucky to be here. I am not even a doctor.

Then again, from time to time, one couldn't help but daydream of a better life or a more satisfying way of living. I dream of becoming a lawyer. I wonder how it feels to be the boss of yourself and to really be out in the world talking to people. I wonder how it is to have control of your time and be there with your family in all the occasions, regardless of time in the day. I wonder if it really is self-fulfilling to actually help people.

For now, I am only hoping of having enough time to study. It is not as if I can take gmat prep test or review classes for my everyday recitations. And I do not want just to pass; I want to learn, to be good at this profession. If my luck turns to the good side, maybe in a few years, I'll be standing in the place where I want to be under the bright blue sky.

Up, Down, Twist, and Turn!

2010-07-14T13:08:00.010+08:00

And just like that, I had the time of my life!

Seeing the theme park from the outside already sent my heart racing. There were just so many roller coasters, and big ones at that! For someone who dreams of flying, fast and huge roller coasters may be the second best! Nothing beats tempting gravity!

Some of the photos taken from the parking:

Cameras aren't allowed when you're riding because of the high probability that it might fall. So here are few of the pictures I took of the parts of the coasters. It's difficult to take a shot of the each whole ride because of its huge size. And now the twists and turn:

The wonderful thing is that every ride presents a different experience, sometimes with feet hanging, or a standing position, or a squat-like position, etc. There's just a wide grin on my face after every ride. Some people just scream from start to end, and you can fill they're thrill! At times though, even if I wanted to, I just couldn't scream. The rides took all the air from my lungs! :)

There are rides other than roller coasters, and they're equally entertaining. I exhausted all my energy and tirelessly went to all the max (they are categorized according to intensity) ride I could take. My feet were tired, the walking and running were natural fat burners, but my energy level and excitement maintained its peak throughout the day!

I tried moving my hands and feet while this was rotating, and I couldn't.
I was pinned to the ride. Nice!

My favorite rides were Tatsu:

3,602 feet of blazing track. 62 miles per hour. 263 feet in plunges. Ready to take on Tatsu? Aboard the wings of Tatsu, you'll fly at speeds in excess of 62 mph through deep plunges, huge spirals and sharp dives that send you flying through the Park's mountainous terrain. This gives you the sensation of flight.

and X2:

Unlike traditional coasters where trains only parallel the track, X2 sends riders screaming around its 3,600-foot maze of steel track aboard massive wing-shaped trains where the seats extend off of the track to the sides of the vehicle, allowing them to independently rotate you head over heels, forward and backward creating a one-of-a-kind "don't know what to expect next" sensation. X2 launches the extreme thrills of X into a new dimension with the addition of a light experience that changes with every ride.

Last two photos from the web

My Magic Mountain

2010-07-14T12:46:00.010+08:00

Probably the best time I had in the States is at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. The park perfectly summarized the Six Flags experience in a few words: Massive monster coasters. Awesome adventure rides. Fun family attractions.

I have always loved the thrill of super fast roller coasters, I love it so much, it probably would have qualified as a death wish (kidding!). But this theme park is not just roller coasters (roller coasters on another post), but also a place for the kids and family. The place is huge, with 260 acres of world-class roller coasters and over 100 rides, games and attractions. If you're not the "riding" type, looking and walking around would entertain you, not to mention it being a weight loss formula. This is Warner's answer to Disneyland, and frankly, I love this place more.

Our new friends!

The price for every game is reasonable, though it's a bit addicting.
Note: It looks easy, but it's damn hard to win!

It's a carrot world out there.

Can't resist the kryptonite =)

Our day ended with this funnel cake, with strawberry toppings!

Business As Usual

2010-07-14T08:11:00.000+08:00

A day after typhoon Bashang hit Manila, I went to work. I was lucky to have water, when some neighborhoods in our area lost both water supply and electricity. I only lost electricity and celphone signal.

Our company here in the Philippines is composed of a small group of people, more than half of whom last Wednesday were absent. Water supply was the primary reason, and one was because a neighbor's roof fell on theirs. Makati was a quiet place. And there were still traces of the storm that just passed. The city was powered only by generators, and the underpass was devoid of light, at least the makukulit people insisting on orienting you to something or to some apidexin scam were not there, though because the underpass was so dark, even at daytime, I feared for thieves or others who would take advantage.

Despite of these power failures and the mess that the storm left, I found it fascinating that Makati was business as usual. Probably, this area had correct planning and sufficient securities and measures in case of natural disasters, and well, probably, they'd be ready for anything. I hope the whole country is as well.

The Famous Stars I've Met

2010-07-09T10:37:00.012+08:00

At least the shapes of their hands and feet.

After Beverly Hills, we proceeded to the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They said it looks better at night. The street was full of lights, and there were many people. Some were tourists, some were locals, some were offering tours, and some were distributing pamphlets of body building supplement reviews or city tours.

I saw those family in Springfield that I love a lot and that duck friend of Mickey Mouse...

and some great actors...

and I was happy to see that this young actor was already in the same area among those big US stars... did he magically make his way there?

We missed the world premiere of Iron Man 2 earlier that evening (as if I can go!), but I felt somehow excited that Tony Sparks and Pepper Potts were just there, though I only got to see the crew packing up.

Anyway, as it was tiring day, we treated ourselves to a sumptuous Japanese dinner...

itadakimasu!

Strolling in Beverly Hills

2010-07-09T09:27:00.010+08:00

Since I was in California, my friend said he'd take me to see Beverly Hills. He said, laughingly, that we'd go there to take pictures. Of course, we couldn't afford to buy things there, unless I want to buy a dress worth my month's salary. :)

There are gadgets stores that sell iPad (first time I saw it!) and tm-t88iv, sports outlet, fabulous bag stores, and expensive restos. And as expected, the high-class boutiques are there. Here are some of the pictures I took in Beverly Hills without me haha:

expensive shops are lined in this street

fancy restaurants along this lane

We entered the huge Nike store and a whole corner dedicated to Pacquiao's merchandise! Nice!

first time I saw brand-new Ferraris (other than my toys!)

And my friend said that this drive is the place for the rich and the famous:

Rodeo Drive

like a practical joke

2010-07-09T08:59:00.000+08:00

I have the heaviest school schedule on Thursdays. My class is straight from 530 to 930 pm. I have two minor subjects and one minor subject that feels like a major one also. Also, the present dean and the past dean are two of my professors. They're both very good, but of course, they have high expectations!

I was on deck (meaning I might be called on recitations) on the two major subjects. However, I find Negotiable Instruments Law hard to digest (all about checks and promissory notes), and it puts a lot of stress on me, evident by my aggravated need for hair loss cure and pimple treatment. Anyway, the whole day was spent studying that subject. Of course, I wasn't able to read anything on the other two, Sales and Public Corporations.

So Dean Sundiang of Nego was the first class. I was preparing myself to be called. I thought to myself, I prepared for this, so maybe somehow I can answer his questions. What do you know? I wasn't called. Dean Jara (present dean), the professor of Sales, however, called me. I was on recitation for like, forever (30 minutes actually). He asks the most thought-provoking questions that it's hard even if you read the book. What more if you hadn't? Well, my whole recitation was based on guesses and last-minute readings, and it's a good thing he was somehow guiding me to the answers, though I'm not sure if I got his hints correctly. haha.

When I sat down, I could only shake my head and laugh of how ironic the day I was. I prepared for one subject, I wasn't called. I never read a thing in the other, I was called. It was like a practical joke. Lesson of the story: read all or read none at all. ;)