broken

Everything has a purpose, even machines.

Clocks tell the time, and trains take you places.

They do what they're meant to do.

Like Monsieur Cabisse

Maybe that's why broken machines make me so sad.

They can't do what they're meant to do.

Maybe it's the same with people.

If you lose your purpose, it's like you're broken.

--- Hugo Cabret, from the film Hugo

(near) the end of third year

This is what I will be like after Saturday.

I am looking forward to the end of the semester. But of course, prior to that, I should pass through the "finals" stage first, and hope to be successful at that. At this point, I should already be used to taking long and difficult exams, but up to now, I still feel serious anxiety anticipating the exams, instead of just preparing for it. It's probably because, compared with other students, I have more to lose in failing, being a working student and all, not to mention that I should have entered and finished law school several years already.

I guess it's in my nature to scare myself to compel myself. I guess different things work for different people. I hope this one would still work. For now, I just want to sit in our outdoor glider and internalize the exams.

Please wish me luck on my finals. =)

fleeting

Aaron was the boy whom my mom met, and came to love, during her month-long radiation at Medical City. He had brain cancer, stage 4, but he was still a 10-year-old boy who played with toy guns.

His radiation treatment was funded by PCSO. He was a PGH patient, but it was Medical City which has radiation facilities. Although his daily radiation session was paid by the government, the travel expenses and the medicines were not. He and his ate traveled every day from Bulacan to Manila, although there were days when they missed radiation sessions for they did not have money to pay the bus.

It's a good thing that, among his "classmates" at radiation, there were kind souls. Growing fond of the boy, and having sympathy at his "poor" life, some contributed money while some gave him clothes. He was especially happy about the baseball cap and the new shirt he got one time; he wore those a lot. At this juncture, I would like to thank my friends who contributed money to help Aaron's treatment. His family was most grateful to all your help. His mother said, "salamat sa inyo, kahit hindi niyo kami kadugo."

After radiation, it was a miracle that the tumors in his brain dissipated. I believed it was a miracle, as even at the start, the doctors were not so hopeful he would get well. So he bid goodbye to Medical City and continued his checkups at PGH.

Sometimes, Aaron would call my mom, tell her not to worry about him, and that she should herself get well. He even invited me to a procession in Bulacan as he was a part of it. I said I could not come but that I am happy he's strong now.

Then, there came news from his family that his health was plummeting. Doctors said he should undergo chemo, but in the end, his family decided not to for various reasons. I wanted to help and decided that once I earn from my food business, I'd share some with him, if only to help him ease his chronic headache. Unfortunately, though, until now, I have very poor sales, mostly because of wrong location.

Now, his ate just called, crying. Aaron left already.

Nothing is as fleeting as the life of a child taken away. This is just plain sad.

THE application

Last week, I applied to the legal aid bureau of our law school. The said organization goes to barangays and offers legal advice to the people therein. I thought it might be a good way of starting to contribute to society with my legal knowledge. After all, that's what I've always wanted or what I've envisioned myself doing.

I was hesitant at first, knowing that there are only limited slots available to students. Many of the top third-year students applied, so I know there's a slim chance I'd get accepted. There's a much more serious consideration though for my hesitation. I'll tell you in a while.

The interview didn't really go well. There are three parts, the last part being question and answer on random law subjects. There were objective questions and hypos. I was asked twice on criminal law, once on obligations and contracts, once on corporation law, and once on legal ethics. Unfortunately, the first three questions require memory from first year, and in that, I think I didn't do well. But it's okay, at least I tried!

There remains one requirement which I am yet to do. And this is what I fear most. I have to submit a VIDEO of myself showcasing a TALENT! There lies the problem. I have NO talent. I know because I've TRIED both singing and dancing, and the conclusion: talent just isn't for me.

Prior to my teen years, I used to play the piano. But that was more than a decade ago, and I can hardly read chords now. I'm wondering if I could still learn to play a guitar (because that's what I've always wanted to learn), and win trophy cups for playing, before the end of March (submission date).

I found a website full of beautiful guitars (and other instruments). So now, I am daydreaming that I can still achieve my "rock star dream." Look at this orange Gretsch electric guitar:

or this black Gibson one:

I admit I don't know much about guitar (except that I know that Gretsch and Fender are popular guitar brands, being the names of my guitarist friend's children). Still, they're enjoyable to look at. And it's always a good feeling reminiscing, or reliving, childhood fantasies. All I have to do now is bring them to life... if not in front of a crowd, at least in my video application. =)

fallacy of the golden past

I went to UP Fair this year, after being absent for several years. There were obvious differences between the fair when I was in college and the fair now. For starters, the camera and the big screens were high-tech already. Before, the camera was manned by a person sitting on top of a makeshift tower. Now, the camera is similar to those used in concert venues. Asensado na ang UP!

But the thing I have realized is that I and my contemporaries are sooo behind with regard to the latest songs. We still like the alternative, punk, and rock genres, but the songs we know are limited from the 1990s to early 2000s. We're stuck in our time. haha. When the rock bands were performing on stage, the crowd was loud, singing along with the bands. We, on the other hand, were dumbfounded on the songs. We don't know a single line! It's like our national anthem was changed, only we don't know about it. haha.

During videoke nights with my law school classmates, who are several years younger than me, I'd always sing my favorite videoke pieces (the few that "suit" my voice): torn, kiss me, manila girl, every little thing (police's version), one of us, teenaged dirtbag, and Alanis' songs. I noticed that most of my classmates could not relate. haha. (Actually I don't care. I just want to sing with my monotonous tone!)

Last month, my teenaged cousin asked my mom to buy a certain microphone for him. It's a 5,000-peso so mic, and I haven't got a clue on what it can do. He also has several guitars and peavey 6505, none of which I know the functions of. Iba na talaga ang tumatanda.

My ignorance to newer good songs and rising bands is the fault if NU107.5 (the best rock station this country has known) closing down. OR maybe I am stuck in my generation, feeling that all things beautiful and all sounds great came from my time and the time before it. haha. I never thought I'd fall for the fallacy of the golden past.

Well, at least I realize it now. I just have to listen ( so NU, please come back!) to appreciate. Aba, mahirap ng mapag-iwanan ng panahon. =)

nonchalance and indifference

I think I have stopped (seriously) writing on this and my other blog because I have stopped wanting to confront (serious) things. I think one comes to a point when you just don't wanna struggle and let things be, or let things pass, or let things resolve themselves. Sometimes you just stop arranging the perpetual mess in your closet or computer cabinet because it never stops to be messy, with fault not yours alone. And believe me, I don't perceive this as negative.

But this nonchalant behavior works only on constant pressures and permanent problems in my life. It doesn't work when something big just blows up---something I wish had NEVER happened at all, and something I have never wanted to confront. It also doesn't work when unexpectedly, when you are keeping your cool and trying to be positive, someone puts you in rage (and of course, only someone so close to you can elicit such strong emotion). And this is what is negative---my tendency to totally shut out a person in my life as if such person does not exist at all, my impenetrable indifference.

prince

The past three weddings in three months in the family of cousins younger than I am brought me into thinking of how my life would be in a few more years. After a long time, I was stricken with loneliness of not having a partner, a feeling I haven't felt for a long time. I was able to shove it off before I felt desperate. I do not feel that sad anymore, though I realize it would be good if I could plan a bit more on this aspect of my life.

Sure, I want to be a lawyer. For the past years, I've been thinking of where I would practice and in what field, etc. I also want to pursue further law studies abroad for a year or two after graduating here, although I know it's almost unattainable since I could not afford it. Still, from time to time, I dwell into that idea. If I can't, well, maybe I should settle with online bachelor degree programs, if they offer law courses.

One thing though, I realize I've been ignoring my personal life. I am so preoccupied with family and work and school that I realize I have no plans for myself, other than be a lawyer. For the first time, I felt a sense of panic (just a little), thinking that there's a probability that I'd spend my lifetime alone. So I thought of planning what to do next. Then again, these things, one cannot plan. And I only see Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother) and Damon Salvatore (Vampire Diaries) as my princes. So probably I could just hope that it will not be too late for me yet. Or that I'd be happy without a prince.