Wednesday, September 19, 2012

my timeline

For years now, my friends and acquaintances are getting married or going there. And for the last two weddings, I had been the person who got, more like forced to get, the bride's bouquet. Of course, I was not happy about it -- not because I don't want to get married, but because I hate being the center of attention (with people "wishing" I'd be next!).

I might as well be the epitome of the ever-famous "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" line. I'd be lying if I say it never occurred to me that while my friends are busy buying artsy craft supplies in fancy malls, I am busy borrowing boring bulky books from an old library. But really, it has not gotten to me yet, especially that I have no one to plan a wedding with.

I think my life has been designed to have an abnormal timeline. I took on responsibility for my two sick parents and our lives earlier than most people, specifically, than most of my friends. While they've been enjoying trips here and there, I have been, well, not. And now, when I entered school again, I mingled with people much younger than I am. Although law school is far more serious than college, still, I hang around with kids. I guess that's life's way of making up for my "lost" time as a youth. It's not as enjoyable as I would have wanted it to, but life with the people around me is not as serious as that of the people my age -- mostly it's about law, law, law, boyfriends/girlfriends, friends, party, and law.

I will not say that I would not want my life any other way, but I guess I just have to do things in my own timeline.

Thursday, September 13, 2012


Final day of my 5-day break...

Why did I have a break? Skipped a few classes...

Why again? It's my Lola's 82nd birthday...

I wouldn't miss it for anything...

Bought her a huge card, a cake, and a chocolate...

Told her I don't mind that she has favorites (obviously, it's not me)...

What matters is she loves us all, anyway...

And that she is OUR favorite...

Happy birthday, Popo! We love you!

Now off to Manila, with my worn-out jeans and custom t shirts cheap as it gets and unexcited as I can be.

Thursday, September 6, 2012


Where do I start?

I have been gone for a long time, a month and 2 days to be exact. I don't know if anyone missed me here, but I sure miss my friends and their blogs. Aside from not writing, I haven't been reading as well. Writing has become, or had become, some sort of a task to me, a task that makes me burdened and unhappy. Here's the thing: I wanted to write overemotional stuff, with matching cynical moods and somber thoughts, but I did not want to put that in writing and actually read it; it will only make it more real to me.

I have no excuse for not reading, but I know you guys will not hate me for that. kayni, wits, docgelo, angeli, sheng, jeanny, kg -- you are my (oldest) friends here (well, I know kg personally) and I hope you know that I have always enjoyed reading your posts and "watching" your lives. I hope all is well with you.

If I had seen a psychiatrist, he'd perhaps say I have suffered from a depressive episode. There was not one single thing that made me so sad, and so long at that, but it just happened. Perhaps I just reached my saturation point and got tired of "understanding" and "hoping" (such complex concepts!). I sort of struggled to surpass this episode, and of course, I was very careful for people close to me not to notice.

So what did I do? First, I try not to mind and go on with my life. Second, I have watched lots of TV series, and I have finished them all. StarWars Clone Wars, Legend of Aang, Legend of Korra, Suits, and Political Animal. I have finished every episode of every (or latest) season of these shows --- all within a month. The only setback was I've had disappointing recitations for the last weeks (which made my feelings worse, but then I just watched again), but it's okay. Ganun talaga. Extra challenge. Of course, there were still the unusual disappointments in "real" life, but I was too busy being not depressed; I did not give a damn to them.

So where am I now? I am desaturating. I guess I'm trying to bounce back, though I am not really there yet. Whether I could make it, only time can tell. But I guess so.

That's why I did not see a psychiatrist. Because we Filipinos are strong in that sense. We just bounce back.