Thursday, September 9, 2010

live to fight another day

Still a month to go, and it already feels that the semester is over, even if the most difficult part is yet to come.

Perhaps the emotion is one not of excitement but that of relief. I have started the school year seriously hesitating to enroll, if not for the pang of sadness that struck my grandmother's face when I told her so. I convinced myself that, perhaps, my pursuit of law is my pursuit of justice for my existence. But really, it's simple: it is my dream.

I remembered last January, when I just could not lock all the strong emotions inside anymore -- the sadness, the loneliness, the regret, the helplessness, the confusion, and the hopelessness -- I went to see the school's guidance counselor. Normally, I would laugh at the idea of talking to someone you barely know. Then again, I do not want to "talk" to people I know. I just don't feel like sharing.

I found myself in her green study room after class. She had a very kind face and seemed eager to listen. After her first question, it was probably, "what's wrong?" I couldn't answer for a minute or two. I did not know where to start, or how to start. After my first sentence, tears started flowing. I just went on and on. Before I realized it, almost an hour had already passed. She seemed genuinely concerned for my being (or she just had a very good training on psychology) and advised me to postpone law school. She said she always tell students not to give up, not to drop, and to just pursue law school as much as they can. But she said, she had to say otherwise in my case. She feared that my body would just break down one day, especially my mind. I could always come back to school when things aren't as hard as they are now, she said

The cliche is right. I actually felt "lighter" after talking to that wonderful woman. Obviously, I did not heed her advice, but I am just thankful she listened to me. Now, the semester is again almost over, after several plans of dropping, and I already feel relief that I could finish this one. I guess I live to fight another day.


eks said...

ang buhay ay parang gulong... pag matagal ka sa ilalim, malamang matagal ka ring nasa ibabaw sa bandang huli. ang laki naman ng gulong mo! \m/

ps: sensya na di ako maka-relate. ang buhay ko, parang sled... medyo against sa natural course of things pag umibabaw. :-D

kg said...

ang bilis ng panahon! patapos na naman isang sem!

anf importante lang mordsith eh masaya ka. if you're not, then choose another road.

wag mo masyado pababayaan sarili mo. somtimes we focus too much on the future that we forget to live in the present.