Wednesday, October 6, 2010

mind power

Yesterday, I was left to watch over Mommy, so that Daddy could get her laboratory results from the hospital. When he got home, my father had a worried look. It turned out that my mother, who had been staying in the room all day for several days now, had a very low WBC count. Two days before, she was injected with something to boost her WBC; the doctor said that a sudden drop of her WBC is expected, hence the injections.

But her WBC still dropped big time. We immediately brought her to the hospital so she could again have the WBC-boost injection. Dad and I both tried to act cool about it, but I know, we're panicking inside.

All this time, I never really let mom's cancer to get to me, always acting cool about it. It was probably because I am constantly rejecting the idea of the sickness, believing that this is just a phase and believing, not hoping, that eventually mom will get better soon. But instances like this one shakes my resolve. It scares me and makes me think of how things can get worse. The memory of seeing my father lying unconscious on the floor one Christmas day comes flashing back. And it's destrying my shield from all these scary thoughts. If I could just find a way to forget all those unpleasant memories way back by and limit it to the good ones, I would. I hope it's as simple as using refrigerator filters or commercial dream catchers or just suppressing it. But it's not.

It's really so sad when you see a loved one really sick. It's more depressing when the trauma from the past is coming back. I am again practicing my poker face. I am just trying to think that, after all we went through when it was my father who was really sick, he survived it...we survived it. I hope there is really power in the mind and strength in one's will.


kg said...

i know how you feel.

hope your mom gets well soon.

kayni said...

I like how you ended your entry with words like power and strength. More power and strength to and your family especially your Mom.

TPS said...