my new ability

I like this new skill I have developed: sleep fast.

Before law school, I find it hard to sleep. It's either I cannot sleep for hours or have a light sleep.
Dad also has insomnia; doctors even prescribe him high-dose sleeping pills, which he does not take and which I want to take from him. haha. But now, in every chance I get, I sleep. And I just can. :)

At home, whenever I move to another subject or even to just another chapter, I rest by sleeping for 10 minutes. A minute after closing my eyes, I already doze off. And I'm not kidding, I sometimes have dreams in that 10 minutes. In buses, whenever a friend's with me, I sleep and sometimes, this is a bit embarrassing, with my mouth open. Ewww! :D

I wish I could also sleep just about anywhere, like him!

In Santa Monica

In Santa Monica, in the winter time,
The lazy streets so undemanding
I walk into the crowd
In Santa, Monica, you get your coffee from
The coolest places on the promenade
Where the people dress just so
Beauty so unavoidable, everywhere you turn
It's there
I sit and wonder what am
I doing here?

I know why. I wanted to see the beach. At least what a beach looks like in another country. So my friend took me here:

It was a very cold (at least to me) and windy day. So though we went there about noon and the sun was still up, I was still chilling. What I find amazing is just about a few meters away is a busy road and a few meters more are the normal commercial city. We went ahead to the road sloping downward to check the area. There weren't too many people, and there weren't any resort! haha. But there were park rides (see middle, top of picture):

I was glad to see that some people were also wearing jackets. I thought I was the only silly person who's having a hard time with the cold. There were a few of us. Thank goodness there was Coffee Bean down that slope, so my friend and I took a cup each and sat outside the store, enjoying watching the almost undisturbed beach and the shine of the sun.

But these were what actually caught my fascination:

It was wonderful that these birds weren't flying away when people were just arm's length away from them. And some were majestic when their wings were spread out and they were just gliding in the air.

After coffee, my friend and I walked in the sand. It wasn't as beautiful as what we have here. But at least, this beach is just a few minutes away from the city. I hope we have one like that here, if only Manila Bay is clean. I wondered how cold the water is, having an illusion of swimming, or if they also have variety of fishes with colorful scales. But my illusions were abruptly stopped when my friend told me that in certain areas, there are sharks!!! No way, I will never swim in there. ever. haha.

Here's my friend emoting in the beach...

But with the sudden rush of the tide...

haha. =)

girl friends

In my stopover in Seoul, my eyes were caught by the two people waiting at the terminal for the flight to Los Angeles. I couldn't help but smile at the idea of these two traveling folks. I secretly took a picture of them when I got the change so that when I look back, I would remember that I want to be like them.

They must have been bored waiting for their flight. But at the airport, these two elderly women walk as fast as the younger people do. I wonder if they were relatives or old buddies. They seem to be physically healthy and well able to travel. They can take care of themselves (life insurance lead need not worry about them), and I love the idea of their independence. When I get to be a grandmother, I hope I can still physically travel. And traveling with girl friends isn't such a bad idea. :)

I particularly like the lady in brown. She looks cool in that hat!

Strawberry Heaven, San Diego

This was exactly howI felt when my uncle took me and my sister-in-law took us to a strawberry farm. My heaven, of course, was full of big, red, sweet strawberries!

My uncle got me a big bucket to fill and a small one for my sister-in-law. He told me, magsawa ka na sa strawberries dito, bihira yan sa Pilipinas. I was so thankful to him. I could have hugged him if only he wasn't the typical strict elder type. haha. I love strawberries. I always get the strawberry flavor in Big Chill, or in anything which has a strawberry flavor! The sourness and sweetness of this red delight is just perfect!

Before I came to this farm, I had no idea how strawberries grow. I thought they grew like grape vines, but they don't. In fact, a strawberry farm looks just like this:

my cousin-in-law geng

I went to the farthest rows so I could get the biggest strawberries (so my uncle could not see me haha). And it took me about 3 hours to fill my buck, which is just about twice as big as my cousin-in-law was holding above. I wanted to make sure I get the biggest, reddest that I could get. Besides, I was eating while strawberry picking. They are just delicious, and, as far as my tongue says, they taste better (and more fresh) than the ones here in our country. Maybe it's because of the weather.

So when picking a strawberry, you really have to bend down. I, on the other hand, was squatting on the soil. I was meticulous in my picks. :) I thought strawberries only grew up as red; I didn't know they start as whitish. And they also have different shapes!

these are small ones; the big ones were already eaten---by me!

While we were there, there were also grade schoolers on a field trip. They were all running around the strawberry field, and it was fun to watch them. They often shout, "Hey, look what I got!" "Boy, that's big!" And when a little boy passed by my row and saw my bucket, he said. "Whoaaah! That's many!" haha. I couldn't help but laugh. He was right, actually. My bucket was overflowing with strawberries! Those were the rare times I could arrange things properly. haha.

But the sight of a baby undisturbed and fascinated about the these red fruits was worthy of postcard printing!

And this little blond girl with rosy red cheeks was the cutest strawberry of 'em all!

SeaWorld, San Diego

Where can you look a shark in the eye and live to tell the tale?

My first stop (except for window shopping in outlet stores) in the US is in SeaWorld, San Diego. The place showcases aquatic shows and park rides, and you get to see our under-the-sea friends up close. Of course, I enjoy this kind of place, especially that I adore the water.

The park is famous for Shamu, the performing killer whale. Well, the original Shamu died in 1971, but the name has been continuously used for the killer whales performing in SeaWorld. My thoughts are, how do you train a killer whale? I thought only dolphins can be trained. Obviously, I was wrong. Shamu is known for "splashing" water to the audience. In fact, the audience is always asking for it. :)

The following are some of Shamu's pictures amazing the audience of his skills and "flying" abilities:

SeaWorld also has Sea Lions LIVE, where, well, sea lions perform, with very good comic with the trainers. I particularly enjoyed the ball relay. Even I, with two hands, could drop that ball!

There are other amazing shows like Pets Rule (starring dogs) and Cirque de la Mer) and spots (like giant aquariums, penguin houses, turtle ponds, flamingo areas) to visit in SeaWorld. Observing the movements, or lack of it, of various aquatic species is a learning experience, especially when you only see them on TV. I especially like the penguins. I hope someday I could touch one, but not the sharks. :)

My cousin and I were there for a whole day. After all the watching and walking, we were dead tired when we got home. No more jetlag and no more natural sleeping pills for me. In my dreams, I took Shamu with me. :)

just like beer

It's only about a month since I started my new work and only about 2 weeks since I started the second year; yet, it feels like I've been tired all my life. It's only about a month since I returned from my unplanned 2-week trip to California; yet, I long to go back. The trip has been semi-spontaneous (if there's such a word), lacking the precise details and planned itineraries of Orlando vacation packages, but time was well spent nonetheless.

I left home and journeyed a thousand miles with a few cash and a credit card with unsure credit. I got the ticket a day before I left --- a day after Mom left the hospital. I really wanted to run away from all these, albeit only for a short time. It felt like Mom's cancer would already push me to the brink of insanity; my and my family's shoulders are already burdened with heavy crosses that we can hardly bear anymore.

I am very poor in directions, but this time, I traveled alone. There was that sense of carelessness or indifference or boldness that I will go, no matter what. And the land of milk and honey, indeed, coated with sugar the bitterness of my life. The curiosity in the places and the people captured my eyes and my mind. I lost myself in the new things that I was seeing, and coldness that I was feeling, and people I was watching.

But no, I wasn't happy. I was just, for a time, free. I was doing what I wanted and going to places where I wanted. And out of all things, I was not deep in thought on how I, we, would survive.

Just like beer, while you're drinking, you're free. When you stop, all things are there all over again.

killing me softly*

It was holy week when I found out about it.

Mom had an operation almost 2 weeks before that. There was a mass in her breast, and the doctor said it had to be removed and biopsied for cancer. The result would not be released until 3 days after, during my finals week. That Monday, I was so concerned on what the result would be, I couldn't really concentrate. I kept on waiting for my parents to tell me the results, but they weren't answering. On my way to school, they finally answered the phone. They said that they were just discussing at the doctor's clinic, so they couldn't answer. Honestly, I was dead afraid to call. But waiting for them to call was killing me. So I asked, what was it? They said, it was negative. I was relieved, but not totally. There were just too many questions on my head. But that was still good news, and it took a lot of weight out of my chest. At least I wasn't thinking of anything other than that damn exam.

Fast-forward to holy week, and I was just glad I could finally rest. The whole year was so taxing, and at times, I felt like I've lost all my will and energy. This was the week I've been waiting for: the first week without school, without work.

But the holy week hadn't ended yet when I learned of the bad news. With a gloomy face, Dad asked me to come to my room, and then closed the door. I knew it was going to be a serious talk. He sat on my bed, and I sat on the sofa; we were about 5 meters away from each other. I do not like serious, sad talks. I would run away from it if I could, especially when it comes to family.

I asked Dad what it was about. “Your Mom has cancer. We just didn't tell you before because you were having your finals.” I was silent. As my father was telling me the news, his voice was breaking, the kind of voice you hear when one doesn't want to cry but he just cannot help it. Then he cried. It was the first time I saw him cry, and it was heart-breaking, like a dagger in my heart. I never wanted to see him and my mom hurt, and there he was crying in front of me. I wanted to tell him everything's gonna be alright, but I remained frozen in my seat. My own heart was exploding inside, but my face remained expressionless. I wanted to hug him, but I just couldn't move.

When I spoke, all I was asking was treatment, treatment, treatment. I couldn't let myself dwell on the problem. I didn't really give myself time to be sad. Everything has to be planned right away. I have to be brave and strong. I needed to be the person they could draw strength from. They weren't really asking. I just wanted to be. I needed to be. They already were losing faith. I couldn't lose myself in sadness.

I never really asked my mother how she was doing. I do not like that kind of talks. I am poor in that. I just do not have words to say, nothing. I was just hoping she knew I am there for her. Instead, I just stayed in my room and continued reading a book. I was afraid to finish that book; I needed something to take my mind off the problem. But really, even as I was doing things, even as I was laughing, it never really left my thoughts. At night, before I sleep, I think about it. And I shiver. I was so damn afraid inside.

The following weeks after that, I went out with cousins and friends for several nights, almost every night. We seldom talked about Mom's sickness, and it would seem that life was just going on with me. But it was not. My life wasn't really like that. It would seem I was enjoying my vacation to the fullest, but I wasn't really happy. Not even a bit happy.

My father underwent kidney transplant 13 years ago. Before that, we were regular at the hospital. I even saw my Dad one Christmas morning unconscious, so we had to rush him to the hospital and spend Christmas there. After the transplant, I even saw him have a seizure while Mom was panicking, and I was so afraid he might already leave me then. I ran to my Tita's house (beside our house) to ask for help, but all I could really say was, “Si Daddy, si Daddy.” Several weeks after that, I couldn't sleep. I was so afraid of what would happen while I am asleep. In the middle of the night, I would walk into their room, just to see if he was breathing.

And now my mother was also sick…with cancer. I haven't even hugged her or held her hand. I am afraid to be sentimental, afraid to break down. And I haven't even told her that I am really sad for what happened to her, and that I will always be here to support her. All I tell her was that this person survived, that person was already cancer-free, this person has already finished her chemotherapy. That was my only way of telling her that, “hey, everything's gonna be all right. I'm here.”

My mother and I always clash. That makes it the more difficult to express my feelings. And I have this habit of shielding myself from pain—a façade not to let others see I am bleeding inside. Even I do not want to acknowledge the loneliness, the anger, the depression. I have created this impenetrable mask that even I cannot take away…not yet. When they discuss cancer at home, you would just see me poker face, seeming uninterested. My Mom actually thought I do not care. But on some days, I feel like losing my sanity; I feel like running away. With her and Dad both sick, I'm so scared of what could happen. That I couldn't do anything for them. That I could not save them. That they'd leave me all alone. If only Mom knew, everything is killing me softly, slowly.

*Killing Me Softly was the only song both Mom and I liked.